Hi Loveawake Team,

I am 16 girl from Christchurch and the guy from Auckland I like is 14. We went to prom together and my friend organized this beach day with a bunch of us, and he came as well. We had a great time at prom and I think he had a nice time at the beach.

So now, every time we text, I am the one who usually starts the conversation and start it off saying, “Hey, how’s it going?” I know it’s really original. But I was thinking, well if he is interested in me and wants to make the effort into making this into something more, then he will text me first, right? Well I know it sounds ridiculous and I’ve heard many times before that it is okay for the girl to make the first move and ask him to hang out. But I feel since I asked him to prom and to come along to the beach with my friends, maybe I should hold back and wait for him to ask me to hang out? And I know that sounds bad, but I asked my Tauranga female friends what I should do and they should that I should just wait and give him some time to figure out how he feels and stuff, because if he is interested then he will make the effort to do so. But that also scares me because how long should I wait for him to text me, or if I should even wait at all? I don’t know how he feels about me, but my friends think that he definitely likes me, and as much as I want to believe them I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.

So because we haven’t talked since the beach day which was like a week ago, and I don’t want to lose contact with him over the summer, do you guys think it would be okay for me to ask him if he wants to hang out, just the two of us? Maybe get together for the 4th of July if he doesn’t have any plans? I really like the guy and I hope he has the same feelings for me and I just wish it could turn into something more, but I also don’t want to overwhelm him or pressure him into anything, because he is younger. And also, if/when we do hang out, do you guys think it would be okay for me to ask him something like “where is this going? “Do you feel the same way as I feel about you?” Or is that pushing it too far?! Because I would really like to know, and I feel that we are both sending each other mixed messages and it’s a very confusing situation.

Thank you for reading this, I look forward to your advice!

Name Withheld

Dear NW,

Typically we like to see the guy be the one to initiate making plans or any sort of communication—text, phone, email—at least in the “getting to know” stage. We understand that in this day and age it’s not so clear cut, and that young Hamilton women like yourself, often are the ones to initiate, but if you really want to know how a guy feels, a pretty clear indicator is his willingness to take a risk and put his butt on the line by calling/texting and asking you out. It’s never easy to initiate communication or ask a girl out with the possibility of getting rejected, but that’s part of the deal. If a young man can’t handle the thought of getting rejected, he shouldn’t be in the game. (Young women have it hard too. As you know, they have to sit around and wait and wonder and question what’s going on. So there is inherent risk on both sides.)

Your specific case is a little trickier to read because you’re two years older than him, which means a lot at your age. Girls mature — physically and emotionally—faster than boys. So the two year difference, which in ten years won’t be a big deal, is a big deal right now. The bottom line: You’re much more mature than he is, even if he’s mature for his age.

Typically we’d say wait and see what he does. But if he’s swimming over his head, which he likely is, you might need to be the one to move things along. It seems you’re comfortable doing so, since you asked him to the prom, so we don’t see the harm in continuing. BUT…..only for a a short time.  At some point soon, he needs to step up to the plate. A relationship at any age involves some effort by both parties. It involves thinking beyond yourself, and thinking and acting upon what the other person might need. Honestly, we doubt he’s ready for that at 14. (Jeez, even some 40 year-old guys aren’t ready for that sort of effort.) But if you really like him, try to boost him up a bit—without knocking yourself down—and see if he will step up to the plate on his own, gradually. If he doesn’t figure it out, you could talk to him, but honestly, if he can’t figure it out on his own, it’s not your job to teach him. You’re just going to end up being frustrated after a time. (And we’d wait on asking him where this is going. You still need to get him to text you first!)

Our advice: Before you do anything we’re suggesting, you should listen to your friends and take their advice. They sound pretty smart. Give your guy a little time. If he doesn’t step it up, then you have some choices to make about how you want to proceed. (Initiate…..help him figure things out…..or move on.)

We hope it works out. Have a great summer.

THE Loveawake Team