You know, I like to share advice here to enrich my readers’ lives. Just my own personal little service. A gift from me to you. I’m just nice like that. So, in the spirit of giving, I would like to tell you how not to be a bridesmaid.
First of all, you should not be laid back. This will apparently piss off at least one of the bridesmaids. I will explain in more detail later.
You should definitely not drink red wine all night and forgo the simple rules of hydration such as…. you know…. to hydrate. Water is not your enemy. You should probably also not start bumming cigarettes off of the mother of the bride in your drunken stupor. Because she will give them to you, and you will smoke them. You should also not take the closing of the bar as a reason to speed up drinking. You should however remember if your father is attending the same function, so as to avoid doing anything stupid in front of him in your fancy dress.
As a brief note to the staff at wedding type establishments, you should probably not hand sparklers to a crowd of drunken people. Won’t always go badly…. but it could so very easily.
You should not tell a couple of drunken male friends that you had a nice conversation with a guy. Because they will inevitably decide you should bang him and harass you all night.
You should not ever go swimming in the wee hours of the morning when none of you have bathing suits. This may result in you getting into a pool in your pajama top and someone else’s slip which you will then forget to return.
Apparently you should not begin a deep discussion with that bridesmaid you pissed off at the very beginning of this list. This will result in her telling you how abrasive you are and that you hurt her feelings. At that point you definitely should not apologize to her, no matter how much you would like to smooth over your dear friends wedding day.
At this point a husband of the pissed bridesmaid would like you to know that you should not fall into the fountain in front of your guest house. Because everyone will laugh and no one will believe it was on purpose. Also, you will smell like a sewer afterwards. Your wife will force you to shower before you leave for home in boxers and a button down shirt. She will also get pulled over on the drive home and that just won’t look good. (However, you should feel free to snicker if such a thing does occur. Because that is seriously funny.)
You should not use the bathroom in your guest house to wash your face, pee, or vomit. Because you will see freaky little bugs in there no matter which you are doing. Sometimes on the floor, sometimes in the washcloth, and in unrelated news sometimes dead in your bed.
The next morning you should not go to breakfast if you are not feeling 100%. Because you will get to the top notch quaint little restaurant on the property first thing in the morning and promptly start to feel not so good. You will then locate the teeny tiny completely unsoundproofed powder room which has just been impeccably cleaned. And you will defile it with the aforementioned red wine and lack of hydration.
You should then not imagine you are fine and get in the car with the bride’s parents to drive back home. Especially if the drive is over an hour long. Here is why. About five minutes before you get there, your stomach will get very angry. To the point where you have to let the parents know. They will speed up in an effort to avoid disaster, but it probably won’t work. Eventually your urgent need to empty your stomach will overcome all decency. Your friend’s parents will pull over in font of a stranger’s driveway. And, in a moment of complete fabulosity, you will hop out of the car and be sick. On a stranger’s driveway. In front of the bride’s parents.
I think we can all agree that it definitely a comprehensive guide on how not to be a bridesmaid. Hypothetically speaking, of course.