It’s been awhile since I went out on a Thursday. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone out solo.
I sucked it up and did both the other night. Hell, going solo on a Thursday night is how I’ve met both February Fling and Crush.
So, I get dressed to hit downtown, somewhat earlier than I’ve been getting out lately, cuz lately, I’ve been procrastinating and basically getting down there with only an hour left until last call. So, I got out at about 11:30 Thursday with plenty of time before last call at 2am.
My shirt was a large though, and after realization that mediums look so good on me, I couldn’t help but feel like it looked too big. Fuck it, it’s the same size, fit and brand as the same shirts I wear every weekend and I still do alright, can’t dwell on that too much. Maybe I can try to go shopping in August when back to school sales are going on, but until then… work with what we got.
So, I get downtown. Stop in a bar, buy myself a beer and I’m chilling. It takes me awhile to finally warm up to approach a girl, that only happens when I’m solo, when I’m with an entourage or even a wing, I need no warming up. I feel like that’s something I need to fix.
I move to another bar and have another beer. This is where I make my first approach. I’m posted up, sipping my beer and a couple girls walk in and walk right and front of me. I reach out and touch the cute one on her stomach to stop her, “Y’all look like y’all are having fun tonight.” ”Yep, we are!” She says, and smiles at me, but she moves my hand and keeps walking. I can’t help but smirk… alright, at least the first try is out of the way. I move around to a couple of other bars, at one, I notice the guy next to me open two girls. He does well, I just chill there and pay attention to him and his game for awhile and kind of take mental notes. I move around to try some more, but I don’t have my normal high energy tonight, it’s hard to get into it for some reason, and I’m not having much luck. I’m wondering how long I’m even going to stay downtown tonight… I’m not really feeling this.
Then, I run into some dudes I know. I’ve known these dudes for years, and I always see them downtown. Not always together, they’re usually in different groups, or rolling solo themselves, etc, etc. Like, I said, most of them have seen me downtown a lot lately, and I’m usually in set with a chick or two when they see me. Shit, I even tried to put my boy down with Left Me Stranded‘s friend and Butterface’s friend. So, they know what’s up.
They invite me to roll with them to a bar, so I do. This gives me a chance to relax and chill, so I don’t constantly feel the need to move around. While, chilling in the bar, some chick walks by with popcorn, I ask her where she got the popcorn from, and she asks if I want some. I put my hands out for her to pour me some, but she just hands me the whole bag, “you can have it” and walks off. Lol, okay, whatever. I eat a couple handfuls and throw that shit away. I didn’t really want popcorn, I was just saying something.
So, I hit a couple more bars with these dudes (funny thing is, we basically wind up going back to every bar I just went to solo), and they are really holding it down. I mean, I know I see them out all the time, but I didn’t realize how they do it. They know bouncers at every bars, so they just straight skip lines and open ropes for themselves, shake the bouncers hand and go in. They know bartenders at every bar, so they get drink specials. Shit, at one bar we went to, one of my boys straight just walked up in there, walked behind the bar and while standing next to the bartender (who was working, getting drinks for other people), he sparks one up and reaches in his pocket and pulls out his credit card and puts in in the bartenders hat, and starts pointing and counting how many of us were there. Straight G shit. It was hilarious. I don’t even think he said a word, just walked back there, sparked one up, stuck his card in the bartenders hat and counted us out.
It was somewhat of an eye-opener for me. The way these dudes know all the bouncers. I mean shit, I’m downtown every weekend, I recognize a lot of these bouncers’ faces by now. I need to shake hands, shoot the shit, and just be more buddy-buddy with them it seems like.
My boys didn’t do a whole lot of approaching or hitting on chicks, but they did seem to know at least a couple chicks everywhere we went to. Some of them did more than others. They did a little bit. I did a little bit.
We walked into one bar, and I walked up to two chicks and tried another one of Roosh’s openers. It was an opener I never tried before because I didn’t particularly like it, but then I figured with a small tweak I could get it to work in the city I’m in. I was actually somewhat amazed by how well it worked. The chicks didn’t show much interested when I walked up to them, but I soon as I said what I said, they just had to prove me wrong, “Nu uh!”, which lead to a conversation. They were paternal twins, (not identical at all). I talked to both of them for awhile, but then they were leaving to go to another bar, so they went and grabbed their third friend and head out. While heading out, the cute one who I was the main one I was talking to turned around and waved at me, “Nice to meet you!… Wait… what was your name?” I reach my hand out to introduce myself, “Willy Wonka”, ”Ok, I’m [her name]” ”What’s your number?” I get her number, put it in my phone and move around.
Don’t have much luck with anything else, but at least my boys were buying me drinks, so I was pretty solid by the end of the night.
So, I had a date with CuteNewChick the other night.
I picked her up and took her to a bar for a few drinks. I was about 25 minutes late picking her up, I get there and she’s outside with her dog, “I thought you were going to stand me up, hold on, let me go change my shirt. You can come in if you want.”
So, I go inside, sit on the couch, she changes her shirt, we head out.
The bar is nice, I can tell she likes it, “Oh, I’ve never been here before, this is a cool place.” Plus, the Lakers game was on and she’s a Lakers fan (uggh!)
But, we had a good date. She was fun, the conversation was fun, she seemed into me. At one point she said, “I don’t really remember meeting you that night, I was so tipsy, but I can see why I did.” She looks me up and down when she says this. Yeah, she thinks I’m cute.
I started the kino off by asking about her rings and grabbing her hands to look at them. She does a lot of touching me herself – a lot of nonsexual touching, but she’s touching me more than I’m touching her. At some point during conversation, I move to rubbing her thigh that’s closest to me. I do this a few times until she says, “boy, stop rubbing my thigh!” She says it with a smile on her face, so I just rub it more, she laughs, pushes my hand away and says, “you just don’t care, huh?” I laugh.
At some point in the conversation she points out that the girl at the table behind us isn’t wearing a bra and tells me to look. I do of course, and then she says, “Not that I want you looking at other girl’s breasts or anything.”
“What do you mean? Seems to me that’s exactly what you’re trying to get me to do.”
“Hahaha. No, I was just pointing out that I’m not the only one not wearing a bra. I didn’t get to put one on because I was in a rush chaning my shirt.”
“Oh, that’s fine, you don’t have to wear a bra around me if you don’t want to.”
She smiles, “That’s good to know.”
She starts a conversation about relationships by asking me why I’m not in one. She also asks me about my past relationships. I don’t say much about them, I just be pretty aloof. She says she’s never been in a relationship, unless 8th grade relationships count. She’s 22, I find that a bit odd and surprising. But, she talks about her best friend’s relationship and how she’s jealous because she wants a relationship, but she also doesn’t want the drama of a relationship. She says she’s not ready for a relationship right now, that she’s just doing her, but if the right guy came along, “you never know….” or something along those lines.
She seems to be feeling me and I can tell she likes me, so I go for the kiss at some point. She doesn’t let it happen, by turning her head and putting her ear close to my mouth, “oh, I thought you wanted to tell me something,” she says and smiles. I say, “I was trying to tell you something, come here again.” She leans in with her ear again, I try to turn her face to go for the kiss, but she doesn’t let it happen, so instead, I just lick her ear. She laughs. “Don’t do that!”
The bill comes and I pay. She offers to leave the tip (I like that), but digs in her purse and can’t find any bill lower than a $20. “I thought I had smaller bills, but I must have spent them all at lunch today.” I wind up leaving the tip too. I normally do, so it’s not a problem, but I did appreciate the gesture of her offering.
After the date, I invite her over, she accepts, so we bounce to my place. She likes to smoke, so I get her to roll a blunt for me, while we chill on the bed talking and watching the Lakers game.
She seems like a real cool chick, I’m digging her, she seems to be digging me too.
While we’re sitting next to each other, I start to rub on her back. “Can you stop rubbing on my back, please?” She says and smiles. I don’t stop. The smile leaves her face, now she starts to look sad, “So, you don’t care?” What the hell is this “you don’t care?” crap, that’s such a weird question to me. “Look, I didn’t come over here to fuck you or anything like that. I just thought you were a cool guy and I thought it was okay to come over your place and hang out, should I have not come over?” Here goes this tripping shit.
“Naw, you’re good, it’s cool.” I lay down, she stays sitting up.
“Okay,” she says, “I just want to let you know. I like the rubbing and I want that from you, just not right now. We just met. I want you to get to know me first. We can’t have sex yet, we just met.” She grabs my hand and continues, “but you are an Aries, so I’m going to really like your sex drive, just not yet.”
“That’s fine babe,” I say, “We don’t have to do anything tonight, I understand. Come here, though.” I try to pull her towards me.
“No,” she says, “I’m fine right here. Why are you trying to lay with me? Why do you want to lay with me?”
“Why not? You seem like a cool chick, I like you. Come here.”
She’s still not trying to even lay down with me. “No. So, do you try to lay with every cool chick you meet?”
Oh, my gosh. Is she really asking me these questions. Worst part is, I think I said, “Yes. What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing.” She says.
I sit up next to her. I try to kiss her. “No,” she says, “I don’t like to kiss.”
“You don’t like to kiss? Why is that?”
“I just feel like kissing adds something to the relationship. It’s supposed to mean something, and it does to me, it means a lot.”
Aww, she’s one of these chicks. I lay back down. My shirt comes up a little and she comments on the hair on my stomach. Then, we start talking about her stomach. I take this as a cue to sit up and lift her shirt up to look at her stomach.
She’s a small girl, she has a nice stomach. I put my hand on it. Then, I move my hand up her shirt and grab her breast and play with her nipple a bit. She doesn’t stop me, but looks at me with a sad, almost fearful look on her face, “stop!” she says. That’s enough to get me to stop.
I lay back down. She seems offended that I’m trying to fuck her, “you’re coming on too strong,” she says, “I like to move slow, you’re moving too fast.”
“Really?” I say, “I don’t get the whole moving slow thing. I’m used to moving fast, I guess.”
“Maybe that’s why your relationships never work.”
“This is coming from a girl who’s never been in a relationship.”
She shuts up when I say that. I guess she doensn’t have a retort for that. We watch the game, me laying down, her sitting up. We talk a little bit – a little about the game, a little about relationships or whatever, but the conversation never really gets engaging. We’re probably both high at this point and this is after a few drinks, too. She makes a comment about that, with sadness in her voice, “So, you think you can just buy me a few drinks, get me high and then have sex with me?”
“Girl, calm down. Calm down. You’re good, calm down.”
I didn’t even know how to respond to her at this point. She’s actually pissing me off a little. I’m not mad that she’s not willing to put out after the first date, that’s somewhat common and okay. I’m more just frustrated that she seems to not want me to touch her at all and that she’s not even willing to lay down with me.
She’s putting her own damn pussy on a pedestal, tell me I have to “wait a couple months” and that she thinks “it’s worth waiting for.” I’m just confused by the mixed signals. She seemed so into me when we were just at the bar. Also the comment about her liking my sex drive had my hopes up as well, and now she’s talking about waiting a couple of months. What a buzzkill.
The Lakers are blowing the Jazz out to take game 4, so we don’t even wait until the end of the game for me to take her home.
It’s good to get out of the bedroom. It was hard just laying there with a cute chick who’s acting all timid, scared and offended. I just wanted to grab her and do so many things to her, but I had to just lay there and chill out. I wanted to fuck bad. This girl is real cute – just my type, I know the sex could be great.
Anyway, we walk out to the car, her holding onto my arm. I drive her back home. On the way home she’s talking about how she’s going to bake some cookies from scratch later this week and bring me some. Sounds cool to me. Then, we get to her apartments and I’m looking for a place to park, so I can walk her to the door.
“What are you doing? You could have just dropped me off in front of my building?”
“I was going to park and walk you in.”
“Naw, you don’t have to do that, just drop me off in front of my building.”
“Naw, girl, I’m a walk you in.”
“No, I don’t want you to. Just drop me off.”
I pull up in front of her building and drop her off. That was a weird way to end the date. She didn’t even want to be walked in?
The date went so well at the bar, but it seemed to go downhill back at my place. Just the fact that she seemed so offended that I was trying to fuck her and she seemed a little timid and scared and a little regretful that she came over was such a turn off to me. I’m so dissappointed. Maybe, I read this chick all wrong, but I thought she was into me and that she was down. Now, I’m just confused.
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Alright, so I went out last night (still tired from it today, I’m gonna need a nap at some point). Anyway, yeah, went out. Got out kind of late, which always pisses me off when I don’t get out the door when I say I’m going to, because then your dealing with lines at bars, bad ratios, still needing to warm up and get social and less time to actually make your approaches. I’m a big fan of getting out early – I have my best nights when I get out early – even if I stand around bored for the first hour waiting for chicks to actually show up.
Anyway, I hit a few bars, made a few approaches, didn’t have much luck with any of them. Then I ran into some dudes I knew and they were like “C’mon dude, you gotta come with us”, so I did, what the hell…. I was curious to see if these dudes had game, so I rolled with them. So, we get to the bar and we’re just chillin by the bar. Dudes I’m with are kind of drunk, not even really talkin to chicks, just being silly, so I start gaming chicks that walk by. I get this one little cute thing talking to me, but her friend behind her grabs her and tell her to keep walking – damn, cockblocking bish. I move around the bar a bit and talk to a few more chicks, not too much working out, so I step outside the bar. I’m out there, just standing in the street when I see the 5 from last week. She doesn’t see me, but her friends do, and one of her friends is the chick I’ve been crushing on lately.
I mean, this is a chick I knew from college and I always thought was cute, but she was in an LTR for the longest, she’s single now and I know that and I’ve been playfully flirting with her on twitter for a couple months now. I figured sooner or later, I’d run into her downtown and then I could game her a bit and get the number, and that night was finally here.
I really didn’t even see her at first, she was in the back of the group of girls as they were walking toward the bar I just walked out of, but I kind of just pointed to the group in a slick way and that’s when I saw her…. she bust out smiling and came running across the street hug me - the only one out of the group to do so, mind you. So, we chat for bit and I walk into the bar with her and get her number, then hug her friends, dance with them for a bit and then I move around – don’t want to linger, especially because I know I’m crushing and I’m not trying to wear that on my sleeve. Better to just get the number, try to get a date next week, and then go for the bang. Seriously, I got to go for the bang.
My main problem with dealing with crushes, as opposed to chicks I just met is I treat them different. I tend to treat them like a “lady” and try to get to know them first, rather than bang them. This doesn’t work – it’s never worked out for me. It’s like I’m scared to be aggressive or come on too strong when I’m crushing, but with other chicks I don’t care, and when I don’t care, it usually works out – the girls try harder to get my attention. So, my goal now is to game her just like I would any other girl, and go for the bang. I have to convince myself that I don’t give a fuck about anything about her pussy, cuz in reality that’s somewhat true – I’d rather bang her once and never see her again, then be nice to her, take her on a couple dates, not try to bang and get nowhere. So, this will be a test to how well that plays out. Game on.
Outside grilling with Misha. Cinco de Mayo. You know I'm drunk as ever. I throw a high-pitched, kicked in the nuts, voice at a girl walking by...
Me: "Sup white girl!"
Misha and I start laughing as she walks by, trying to ignore me. Another high-pitched, kicked in the nuts, voice...
Me: "Sup slut!!"
Hahahahaa. You know she's feeling awkward as ever. Have fun. Be ridiculous. It's all we do.
A girl comes walking up to Misha's porch. Who is she? No idea. I keep quiet. Get a feel for her. Apparently, she lives right across the street and never goes out, but she's going to Out R Inn tonight--exactly where we are going.
You know I'm already planning on sleeping with her. I can't quite put my thumb on it, but I know when a woman is attracted to me. Flattybun's returns...
Who the fuck is that guy flying into a parking spot like a raging alcoholic?
Misha: "That's Fluffy (that's literally what he goes by) and he's just like you, a complete asshole."
The first thing he says?
Fluffy: "Flattybuns, I'll give you a hundred bucks to let me walk you down High Street with a leash on all fours."
I like this guy already, and as soon as she does it, I'm taking a picture and putting it on Facebook.
Out R Inn. The girl from earlier runs into Misha and I. Misha starts talking to her. I sit down and mind my business. She looks over at me...
Her: "You think you're so hot."
Pfft. I didn't say it. She did. And then? I have one of my idiot moments. Every guy knows that when a girl says something like that, you stay and talk to the girl. But what do I do? Try to be the good Samaritan and go help the Brown Guy with four drinks he's trying to bring back for the four of us.
When I get back? She's gone. I forgot to take into account that earlier in the day, she said she was only staying out until about midnight, since it is a Monday today. Oh well.
I then run into a girl I picked up a few years ago...
Sickley: "Omari, are all of those stories about you and those women true? A lot of that stuff you do is crazy."
Me: "I picked you up, didn't I?"
Sickley: "Oh please, Omari. I picked you up."
Whatever she says.
Back to get another drink. Standing with another guy. A black girl in front of me. I direct my high-pitched voice towards her...
Me: "Sup white girl."
The guy next to me starts laughing as I keep saying it to get her attention...
Me: "Look, she has a mullet! Business in the front! Party in the back!"
And we start laughing right behind her. God, I can be a complete dick sometimes.
Misha is now in front of me. A white girl next to me. I keep poking Misha to get his attention, and when he turns around, I ignore him and then point at the girl. She starts laughing...
Girl: "It wasn't me!"
I then notice that she's holding two mugs and two one dollar bills. It's dollar mug refill night. There's a black guy standing behind me, and you know I don't care. I look at the white girl again...
Me: "Don't be cheap, you better tip!"
Girl: "These are for my friends!"
Me: "Look at you, you're just like a black person in a restaurant!"
And she erupts in laughter. The black guy behind me isn't so amused. Who cares? Lighten up.
Time to go. We all meet up with Zenfox and two of Fluffy's girls on the way to our next bar. He's already fucked both of 'em. Inside our next bar. Too's, I believe it's called. I just prance around being merry and talking to everyone. Why is everyone I came with walking out?
Outside. I see a guy in Misha's face. I turn into Mr. Hotshot and walk in the guy's face...
Me: "Is there a problem?"
Misha: "No, no problem. It's OK."
OK to have a guy in your face? Huh? I would later find out that the guy was a bouncer and they had to leave because we walked into a private party. They really should hire bigger bouncers.
I then start teasing one of the girls, being a complete sarcastic jackass. Inside Panini's...
Her: "You and I are going to have words later."
I grin. I know what that means. Fluffy then takes them and heads out back with Misha, while Zenfox and I start talking to two girls. This is going to be so easy. Misha returns. And drunk Zenfox wondering where Fluffy and the two girls are, right in front of the two girls we're talk to, he says...
Zenfox: "WHERE DA HOES AT!?"
I immediately burst out in laughter and the girls immediately walk away. This is quite possibly the single funniest drunken "what the fuck" moment I have ever encountered. Caught me completely off guard. Couldn't help but laugh.
Bento's. I walk in. Two white girls lookin' like two Master P. No Limit Soldiers with bandanna's around their heads, start talking to me. One of 'em even tries to show me a Crip handshake. One, these girls look like they are straight from the suburbs. And two, during my ghetto-fabulous past, I use to be a Blood and know nothing about a Crip handshake.
Outside. A guy with an Affliction shirt starts talking to us. Fuck an Affliction shirt. Where da hoes at? Yeah, that line is never going to get old.
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Drink Recipe Ingredients:
- 1 oz. Stirrings Triple Sec Liqueur
- 0.5 oz. Bulleit Bourbon (25 oz. per bottle)
- 2.5 oz. lemonade
- serving size-1
MARDI GRAS in New Orleans- nuf said. If you’ve never been… Sorry, your life is seriously incomplete. If you have, then you know the debauchery and extreme fun associated with the glorious religious holiday. The last hoorah for Catholics before they start lent, in which they give up something for ummm 40 days? Went to Catholic school growing up, like a good southern girl, but i may need to brush up on my history.
This year my brother, who is rather gorgeous, joined me and my gay husband there in NOLA (the funnest most best city EVER) for the holiday. Our family had decided to take the Mardi Gras holiday and drive down to the beach in Florida, which was major conflict for me, as I am a girl who likes to work on her tan on every single occasion I can. So the plan: party in NOLA for the night then instead of sleeping there, drive straight to the beach… (Stupid,Stupid,Stupid!!)
To recap the night… My brother brought his Australian, crazy ass, girlfriend- I am a saint compared to this girl, really; my gay husband introduced my brother to his first gay bar experience, where he was a fairly good sport- even slipped the stripper a couple dollars with our prodding, Mel(the gf) showed more tit than half of Bourbon Street, and I lost my earrings, got my hair pulled, and a couple of bruises from fighting over beads people were throwing at Mel. Man, she was ruthless… Hilarious.
So the night ended, or at least for us it did, and of course we found some hole on the wall pizza by the slice joint in some dark alley off of Bourbon… My fav drunk food. We made our way to the car for our 3 1/2 hr drive… Yes, looking back it was not a good idea… At all.
I drove, because my brother was throwing up, and Mel is not even a freaking citizen so she was out. After pulling over several times for my brother to throw up, we were on our way, to the beach… 3 asses.. With a plan…
I was okay, really, I had walked much of my buzz off before we even got to the car, but when we hit Mississippi, I was tired, and with everyone else in the car sleeping soundly/passed out, I was having a hard time. I pulled over a couple times, loaded up on coffee, chocolate, cigarettes, and sunflower seeds- anything I could do to stay awake, and nothing worked, so I woke Mel up- I needed someone to keep me up.
We were in mid conversation when I accidentally went over in the other lane (just barely guys, I swear). Well my shitty ass luck, it is a police- behind me… Not kidding, and no sooner as I noticed it was a cop car his lights came on behind me…
I pull over slowly, scared shitless. I had after all drank several hurricanes out of what looked like medical supply bottles…(don’t ask) and my bro was passed out in the back seat. Not a good situation. I rolled my window down as I saw the officer approach the car.
“License and insurance please,” he was a semi cute younger policeman, with a thick country accent. I handed him my license and fumbled through the glove compartment for the insurance (which I never found p.s.). He walked away form my car back to his. I shook the shit out of my brother, still nothing, my heart was beating out of my chest. I saw him walking to the car, I had put Mel on a mission to sniff the insurance cards out, I tried to make myself look more presentable.
“ma’am can you blow on this for me please,” and he held up the breathalyzer thingy to my window. My heart dropped, I sat for a moment contemplating.
“Nah,” I shook my head, ” I’m not gonna blow in that.”. Brass balls in these panties- for sure.
“Oh, you’re gonna blow in it, or you’re going to jail tonight.”. Damn, now that he put it like that… But no, because my lawyer friends’ voice was echoing in the back of my mind
- “never blow Angie, just tell them to take you to jail, they will take you anyway if you blow over the limit…”
Yeah, thanks Don, but when you are in the situation it is much harder to look an Alabama State Trooper in the face and basically tell him to go to he’ll, especially sober(which I was guys).
I just kept shaking my head no, he asked me to get out of the car, and I complied, in my big fuzzy house slippers, but still in my clubbing clothes. I walked the line humiliated as he barked out orders at me
“Stand up straight”
“1 Mississippi… 2 Mississippi…”
It was all bananas. My brother woke up as I was putting my finger on my nose, needless to say he was a little concerned. Sargent Baur-something or another and I had a 45 min standoff outside there on the highway in Alabama, with the red dirt. He was like a salesman, trying to sell me on blowing in that thing. At one point he even told me if I blew over the limit he wouldn’t take me in… Okay now I’m not an idiot. It became quite comical and I couldn’t believe how nonchalant I was about the situation. I was prepared to go to jail, I had never been, and it would make for one hell of a story, so why not?
Finally after much begging and pleaded I offered up a solution, “you blow on it first,” I motioned for him to do it as I giggled a little, by this time I had already checked out his empty ring finger and thought about trying a different angle (bj in the backseat… Just kidding, but if it would work…)
“I can’t do that ma’am,” he replied taken aback by the suggestion, “I only have this one tube and you would have to put your mouth on it.”
“That’s okay, I don’t mind blowing after you,” me now in full on flirt mode, Mel shot me a disbelieving look. “Okay, well let him blow in it,” I motioned to the backseat at my trashed brother.
He sat straight up, “I’ll blow in it,” and Sargent so and so obliged him letting him blow. He blew like .02 which is like .06 under the limit.
Armed with this info, I decided to blow, “bring your thingy over here, I’ll blow it,” Mel giggled to herself. The officer put it in front of me and sure enough I was UNDER the limit (holla! Told ya!). I was so excited I asked Sargent so and so for a hug, which he dutifully declined, and he let us go… To the beach! Needless to say, we were ALL wide awake the rest of the ride!
Moral of the story: never Mardi Gras and drive..
Flannigan's. Look at all of the women playing volleyball. And that's the exact problem. They're here to socialize with their friends, not look for men. And even if they are, you'll only get a phone number at best. If you know women, then you know that they will not have sex if they feel all sweaty and nasty, so the chances of a one night stand are nil. When you've been doing this long enough, you tend to pick up on little things like these. Time to go somewhere else...
Tank: "But there was a red head at the bar!"
I fucking hate gingers almost as much as I hate Asian women and their sideways vagina's...
Big Misha: "Sex Lips is a red head."
No she fucking isn't, more like a dirty blonde, sort of like Jennifer Aniston.
We stop by Nyoh's almost on accident. Fucking packed. We're staying here...
Tank: "Did you see that door girl eye fucking the hell out of you?"
Can't say that I did. Or maybe I did, and just get a kick out of ignoring hot women.
Outside. A chick asks Big Misha for a lighter. Not going to go into the particulars of our convo, but in short, she started yelling at me because I kept saying that she wasn't an Ohio State fan, and called her hair maize (one of Michigan's colors) instead of blonde. This girl was going off of the handle.
A lot of you guys would freak out and leave. Most of you do, when a random girl you're talking to starts yelling at you. What did I do? Maintained eye contact (to signal to her that you aren't afraid of her), stayed calm with my voice, and talked to her as if she wasn't yelling. In the end, she calmed down, and ended up talking to me. That's how you handle angry women.
Back inside, then out again. I see a table full of women. You know I gotta go talk to them. I go right in and sit on their table top. The one next to me looks up...
Me: "WHAT!? Am I bothering you!?"
She laughs, and tells me that I'm fine. She then moves her purse closer to my drink. I stare her down like I'm pissed off...
Girl: "What!? I'm sorry!"
And she moves her purse back. I then begin talking to Misha. She looks up at me again...
Girl: "You guys are talking about me, I know it!"
Yes, like the world revolves around you. She keeps bugging me, so she obviously wants to talk to me, so I introduce myself. We bullshit. She offers me some of her drink...
Me: "That's fucking gross."
Of course she defends herself, just as I predicted, and then she scoots in closer. This shit is almost too easy. It can't possibly get any easier. Her friends then take her away. No big deal.
I'm trying to stay away from the humor in this post, but on a side note, there was a girl that came in who was uglier than sin itself. She had no friends, and stood on the wall alone. However, I have a lot more respect for her than a lot of you guys who just sit at home and feel sorry for yourselves. Girls are more sensitive about their looks than men, and she's ugly as shit, yet she got off of her ass, and decided that she would go out and at least TRY to get her a man. Respect.
Outside sitting on a table with Tank. He starts giving me bullshit about his looks. Knows that I'm not trying to hear it. He keeps blaming his lack of success with women on his looks. I call bullshit. He has a lot more going for him than most men. He's not ugly, he dresses good, and he's actually social. In other words, he has everything he needs, but he keeps letting his thoughts about his weight get in the way of his success.
Girls actually like him, they talk to him. They aren't repulsed, and if he bothered asking for a phone number or date, I highly doubt that they'd say no. His only problem is that he's afraid to take things to a sexual level with these women. I lecture him about the above, and I think it finally sinks in through his head...
Me: "If I pull tonight, I'd be willing to lose the girl. And as long as you learned something, it'd be worth it."
I have faith in him. Misha is going to stop going out during the night soon, so Tank is the only guy left that I trust to be my wing during the week. I just don't see the potential to get up to my level in the rest of the guys (other than Jonesy, but he's leaving soon). Nothing to do with their looks, but they just lack the level of social awareness that Tank has.
A hottie comes and sits next to me. I am soon going to pay for my above comment. I look at Tank, who's sitting next to her friend. He knows that I'm about to make my move. But before I can open my mouth, the girl sitting next to me gets up...
Girl: "What's your name?"
I mean she is in my face. I tell her...
Girl: "You're hot."
She then looks at my lips and touches my labret piercing...
Girl: "That's hot too."
MOTHERFUCKER! How the hell did she get so close to my face so easily, let alone touch it? Those of you who know me, know that I hate it when anyone touches my face. I then return her compliments...
Me: "I like that shirt, it's really unique."
She then lifts her foot up and shows me her shoes. They match her shirt...
Me: "I have that pattern set as my desktop background on my computer at home."
Girl: "Me too! Do you have a Mac!?"
We then shoot the shit, and she really won't get out of my face. It's almost as if she's too into me. Time to investigate. Maybe she's a liquor pimp...
Me: "Why aren't you drinking?"
Girl: "I'm not drinking tonight. What are you drinking?"
I then decide to test her. I hand her my cup...but she doesn't drink any of it...
Girl: "I just wanted to smell it. I can't drink."
Girl: "My medicine."
Girl: "How'd you know that?"
I talk to a lot of women, and it just so happens that alot of these beautiful women are on them. I guess she isn't trying to get a drink out of me. You guys have to understand, I didn't always look this way, so I'm just now getting use to women constantly staring and approaching me...
Girl: "I wanna dance, let's go dance."
And she tries pulling me away...
Me: "I don't dance to country music." (It just so happens to be Country Night)
Girl: "Come on."
I'm not budging...
I then stand up and she starts dancing on me. This girl seriously wants to fuck me, won't leave me alone for shit. I gotta test her again...
Me: "Hold my drink."
Girl: "You gotta pee?"
I hand her my drink and walk off. I expect her to be gone when I return. Nope. She's still here. Interesting. Girls use to just go about their business when I left, but recently, every single girl has stayed behind and waited on my return...
Girl: "Here you go, babe."
And she hands me my drink. We then start talking. I could leave with her now, but I'm facing two obstacles. I can't find Misha (our DD), and I have no clue if Taxi's wait outside of this bar...
Girl: "Why're you being difficult?"
Hah. Sex Lips would also say that I was being difficult...
Girl: "You intrigue me."
Me: "Why? Because I'm not all over you like every other guy would be?"
Girl: "You could say that."
The friend that's sitting with Tank chimes in...
Friend: "I have to go pee."
Girl: "So go pee."
Friend: "I want you to come with me."
Girl: "You don't need me to go pee."
The girl then looks at me...
Girl: "I don't want to go with her. I want to stay here."
Friend: "I'm sorry, but I live in a sorority house, and I'm use to peeing with someone else. I really need to just take her with me."
Yeah, she's so full of shit...
Girl: "Stay right here. I'll be right back. DON'T LEAVE!"
Of course they don't return, at least not within a reasonable time frame. I'm not going to sit around and wait all night, so I leave...
Tank: "She was all over you, why didn't you get her phone number?"
He must not know that I don't do numbers, especially when it's an easy lay. I only do phone numbers if a chick simply gives it to me without me having to ask for it. Now, my guess is that the friend actually took the girl and left the bar. Why do I say this? Said girl was all over me the entire time, and when her friend tried to leave, she tried to stay with me.
I then get kind of upset with Tank for not being able to hold his girl. However, I did say that I'd be willing to lose a girl as long as he learned something, and he did. I have no one but myself to blame. When she tried to pull me away from her friend and take me to the dance floor, I should have just went along and then left the bar without her friend's knowledge of us leaving. She obviously knew something about her friend that I didn't (which explains why she kept pushing for me to go to the dance floor. Remember, we were outside at the time.). I guess even the best learn something new ever now and then.
There is a species out there that is forever hunted but never found. That is said to exist but remains untraceable. That is sort by many for its amazing qualities and its rarity that it is now on the verge of extinction.
What am I talking about? Well nothing more than the idea of finding the perfect man.
Let me just ask you this one question? Are you perfect? Are you all strengths and no weaknesses? Are you all smiles and never frowns? Are you all gorgeous and never ugly?
If you answered No to any of those questions then why are you trying to find somebody like that too?
Now I know that may be a little exaggerated but hopefully you get the point. Just like I touched on in my post Mr/Mrs Right – Aint What You Have In Mind I explain that your idea of perfect may not be what you are looking for anyways. But what I am to get across in this post is that maybe PERFECT just doesn’t exist.
I mean this is ME saying this!! And that is a HUGE thing. Because I’m like a chronic perfectionist. High expectations in every area of my life and especially of myself. These character traits have its own strengths and weaknesses too.
N even writing out that very sentence that perfection does not exist is like killing me. Like seriously I think I’m going to need to sit down and get myself some oxygen.
But at the same time, finally accepting that, gives me the greatest liberation, freedom and calmness. Its almost like accepting that, means that I can finally breathe again.
So here is the thing that I figured.
Like forest Gump said ” Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you are going to get”.
He was smarter that I first thought he was.
Because you know what?
Being part of a perfectionist is attempting to gain control in a world that you feel you need to control. DO you know how much stress that puts on you?
Here’s the thing that I discovered. I can’t control the world around me. I can’t control what people think about me. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control a lot of things in my life.
Yes I have choice. Don’t get me wrong. But there are some circumstances that are already dealt with me and its not longer trying to control what situations are given to me, its about being able to control how you are going to react and respond to the situation.
So all in all I’ve come to the conclusion of the perfect man and why he is extinct. Firstly because I don’t think that he ever existed.
Secondly because I think so many people are finally waking up to the fact that for the whole of their life they were so deluded to believe that he was actually real.
So here is what I conclude.
There is no perfect choice. There never has been and there never will be.
The only thing that is perfect, is that … this is the best and most right decision you can make with the current information and current circumstances that you are given.
And when you work within those parameters of doing the best that you can with what you have got, well it kind of makes the this whole concept of the perfect man … so obsolete and forgettable.
So yes the perfect man is going into extinction. But for once, I think that we may be actually better off that way.
Inside Scoop For Next Week: So Next Tuesday and Friday I’m having an “I Love Week”. Here I’m going to have a couple of posts that are going to cover the things I Love Most About ….. Wait for it …
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently found myself caught not in a love triangle but something far worse. I met “Matt” online and we hit it off, now he wants to take things seriously (wants me to move from the US to England with him). While my best friend “Jay” wants to marry me, and we are currently engaged.
After quite some time I realized that Jay isn’t the “one”. Then the plot thickens.*Dun dun dun…* Before Christmas I met “Mark” who is really great but sometimes I feel like he’s not completely honest with me. Then finally my newest problem, “Kaz”, who I’m not quite sure of yet but we both want to date each other, and despite my better judgment have really fallen for. I have another good friend who wants the same but I don’t share his feelings at all. Help, I’m know I’m definitely in way over my head, and it sounds like I’m a teenager again, I should know better, but alas, I’m here. ~Teenager All Over Again~
Dear TAOA: Really? Get thee to a nunnery TAOA. (The BSG and The Bard are like, tight) Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? In summary then:
- Matt is in the UK and wants you to move and marry him.
- Matt in the UK: call him (emailing is tacky, even for exclusively online relationships. If you’ve never actually spoken live and he’s asking you to come to the UK to live with him, the BSG doesn’t even have time to rant about that.) and tell him that you think he’s a great guy, but that you’re already engaged (no need to mention the other men you’re juggling unless he pushes) and so are breaking it off with him. Then break if off with him.
- Your fiancé Jay: Break up with him. The BSG already realizes that you tend toward wishy-washiness and he believes this will result in you sitting at your kitchen table after ten miserable years (for you and Jay both), telling your best friend (as Lucy would tell Ethel at the kitchen table) that you never believed Jay was the “one”. Don’t wait to be miserable; you and Jay are done.
- Not-Completely-Honest-Mark: Be completely honest with him. You’re engaged, you’re seeing several other people, tell him everything. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark, if he’s like many not-completely-honest people, will freak out at the idea of your dishonesty and will flee. He’s the lucky one so far.
- New Guy Kaz: You’re not going to date Kaz. The BSG doesn’t care how much you both want to date. Don’t you SEE the construction site you live in because of all these other projects?
- Your good friend who has feelings for you: Geez TAOA don’t make the BSG come over there. Tell him you’re happy to have him as a friend, but that you’re not interested. Then be sure you’re not sending him mixed signals because the BSG doesn’t think you can be trusted not to entice men into dating you.
TAOA the BSG has great compassion for you and is pleased that you (finally) recognized that things had gotten a little out of control, but he also believes that sometimes firm boundaries have to be set. SET them. The BSG thinks that the best thing that can happen to you for awhile is to be completely unencumbered by relationships so you can learn how this got so out of hand.
The BSG is also concerned for the karmic debt you’re incurring by keeping all these men on the leash. If this were a home improvement advice column, the BSG would have you give away all your tools and learn to live happily in your home as it is before you picked up a hammer again and started breaking things.