A reader named Lisa just got dumped, but her ex-man was acting so sweet not so long ago. What gives? Is he lying to himself about his feelings? Mm…my answer to that question: Who cares?
Lemme ’splain, after the details:
I’ve been seeing this guy for about three years. I know without a doubt I feel love for him. I also know that I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. I just know.
Ouch. Sorry, Lisa, that always just blows.
Yet, when we’re together, he’s attentive, affectionate and caring. Three weeks ago he ended the relationship. His reasons were that he feels he can’t be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t “feel” about me the
way I do about him.
You know, that may be the best breakup you can hope for, in a way. I mean, it’s not “best” like in the category of “strawberry frosted poptarts are the best kind” or something. But at least he’s not giving you hope that isn’t there, like, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” and all of those gems.
What confuses me is a short period before the breakup, he seemed to be himself..affectionate, wanting to see me, etc. So is the golden rule going on in this situation where what he says is not actually what he feels?
If you’re talking about the Manslations Golden Rule, that’s not about words and feelings. That’s about words and ACTIONS. As in, you listen to what he does, not what he says. And what he did here was:
- show you affection, and then later:
- end your relationship
This is not necessarily a contradiction, unless they happened simultaneously, you know? (Which…I can’t even picture doing both of those at exactly the same time.) First he wanted to be with you, THEN he decided he did not.
The attraction and chemistry is still obviously there. He admitted it. Why would he stay seeing me for so long if he didn’t feel something strong for me? Would it have lasted 3 yrs?
You just said it yourself — there’s an attraction. There’s chemistry. That doesn’t mean that you guys have what he wants for his own personal forever-and-ever. But what you DID have was nice enough that he had a hard time admitting that he wanted more. Took him 3 years, is what it seems.
Is he lying to me and himself about how he really feels? By the way, he also said there is no one else. Naturally I asked if that was the real reason for the breakup.
Well, first of all, my condolences. It’s always crappy to break up, and sometimes there isn’t even a big “BANG” that causes it like that time when the universe started.
So what the eff went wrong? Nothing. Which is to say, it already WAS wrong.
THE TIPPING POINT
I’ve written about the relationship speed bumps before. Places where guys seem to take stock and seem to “suddenly” realize that they want out of a relationship. For those of you playing the home version of our game, such bumps have been spotted at 1 month, 3 months, a year, just under 4 years, and there are many more. It’s not about how much time. It’s about whenever the dude takes stock of his life and wonders, “Is this all there is?”
Truth is, it’s not really sudden. And it’s not just men. We all do this. We have moments when we look at what we’ve got and think, “So…this, huh? Is this what I really want, forever?” Sometimes there’s something obvious that triggers it, sometimes not.
The point, Lisa, is that you don’t want to bother asking your last question — Is he lying to you AND HIMSELF about how he really feels? Don’t go down that rabbit hole, Lisa. Don’t do it. That way madness lay. And the answer doesn’t matter anyway.
But why wouldn’t the answer to that question matter?
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T
(Pretty great answer, huh?)
Seriously, though, what if he WAS lying to both of you about his feelings? He wasn’t, but what would it matter? The man dumped you. He made a decision to let you go. If he can bring himself to do that, let him do it. Don’t get caught thinking, “Oh that poor thing — he doesn’t even realize he’s in love with me!”
He’s told you how he feels. He wants to feel like X, he feels like Y, and he’s decided he wants to keep looking for X. And he told you.
Seriously, take this information and run. It’s a gift. Honesty during a breakup is a gift.
And after all, why would he lie about this? If he was happy being in your relationship, he’d be, you know, happy.
IS THERE ANOTHER WOMAN?
Reasonable for you to ask him this. He said no. Was he telling the truth? Maybe yes, maybe no, but again, I swear it does not matter. Truly, it doesn’t. Whatever the reason, he’s been clear that his choice is to leave. And nobody leaves someone directly because they met someone else. Before you meet someone new, you’ve got to be dissatisfied with the someone OLD or you wouldn’t even see the new person. No way around it.
Let him go, take him at his word that, whatever else may be true, he does NOT feel what he wants to feel. Because if he DID feel what he wanted, he’d stay.
Good luck, Lisa. And again, I’m sorry this guy doesn’t want to stay. There will be guys who do, though.
What say ye? This guy lying to himself? To her? Hello?
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So, Confused gets an invitation to this guy’s wedding — a guy she barely knew, but who is bestie-best pals with her ex. She shows up at the wedding, and lo and behold, there’s the ex. With a new girlfriend. Fiance, actually. What happened here? Her friends have a couple of opposing theories. I’ll weigh in and decide the winner. Because hey, it’s my website, and I get to judge stuff. It’s right there in the Manslations charter, look it up.
I never talked with him for months after his sister annoyed me about another girl issue. Last week, his best friend that I barely knew and I’ve met only once came to my office asking politely to attend his own wedding.
Ok, one eyebrow raised so far. Getting a weird invitation from someone you’re not even close to. (Liz and I are inviting, like, seven and a half people to ours, so I really can’t relate to this, “Everybody! Come look at me get dressed up!” thing. But I am, you know, a guy.)
Other friends were invited by e-mails and air mails, but the last invitation card was for me. The groom was making sure about my presence. I went there and found this guy attend the wedding with another new girlfriend.They’re going to get married in three months.
Ah. Well. That must have made for some comfy small talk around the buffet line.
So what’s the point of the invitation? I feel both the guy and his best friend were making sure I see this girl because I didn’t decline invitation brought by a groom himself. My friend theorizes that this guy only wants to maintain good friendship with me. Other friend theorizes that this guy is making sure that I know his current status. Whatever the theory is, i feel being played. I need a manslation. Thank you in advance for giving one
I can’t be 100% sure what the groom’s (your ex’s pal) motives were here, mostly because I’m not totally sure about your relationship with your actual Ex. This definitely does seem to point to some kind of a plan engineered by your ex-boy, but it’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on. Let’s take a look at your friend’s theories, because they seem about right:
THEORY ONE: MAINTAINING DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS
I suppose that this one is possible if the following things are true:
- Your ex bears you no ill will.
- He maybe feels a little guilty about the lack of contact between you.
- He feels like you must know about his impending nuptials, but doesn’t have the balls to tell you.
- He is a moron, and doesn’t realize that springing this information on you in public might just sting a little.
Now, I’m sure all of those things have occurred in one dude before. Not often, though. Let’s look at the other theory.
THEORY TWO: LOOK WHO’S GETTING MARRIED, LIKE A BIG BOY!
This one is possible if:
- The ex is insecure, and
- His friend is kind of a jerk, or at least weak-willed enough to go along with the plan.
- …uh…no, that’s pretty much it.
Yeah, there’s not much of a list necessary to make this one plausible. If he felt, for some reason, slighted by you, and was already insecure? Sure, totally possible.
VERDICT: COULD BE EITHER, BUT DON’T BET ON #1
Given the option between your two friends’ theories, I’d tend to believe the latter. I’d guess that your ex wanted you to see him with this girl. I don’t know enough about him to know why, exactly. Was it to rub your nose in it, like, “See? See how happy I am with someone who isn’t YOU!?” Could be.
I can’t really tell because I don’t know what relations were like between you two after your breakup. You’ll know better than I will WHY he was doing this. But it seems like a pretty safe bet that this whole thing only happened because he wanted to show you he was with someone else. And if there’s any reason you might think he’d do it to punish you? Well, sadly, it seems the most likely.
Thanks for the question, Confused.
Just being friendly, or is he being a passive aggressive tool? Your thoughts?
Our intrepid requester, Lil (you seem intrepid, what can I tell you?) wants a standing call du bootay with this guy. He seems to be a little not-ok about the whole thing. How can she make things perfectly clear to him? (Hint: Don’t do a Nixon impression with the double peace signs, saying, “Let me make this purrrfectly clear…” it’s not as sexy as you might think.)
So. I met a guy. We flirted via face-to-face, messaging etc for a few weeks, I would describe it as love/hate flirting.
I can’t say that I totally know what a “hate flirt” would look like. But I’m giggling to myself picturing MY version of it.
We met up with a group of friends. I went home with him and we had sex. I had fun. That was a Monday. He asked me to sleepover, I didn’t. I didn’t want to.I left at 330 in the morning in a cab. He called me a dude.
He…called you a dude? Do you mean that he referred to you AS “dude”? Or that he called you a dude who was driving a cab? Either way, it’s not really an indicator of anything major. Just curious.
I didn’t hear anything from him at all, not even an awkward courtesy phone call the next day, not even a text to make sure I got home alright. That Friday I texted him telling him I wanted to see him that night, specifically “late night.” Guaranteed hookup. He said he was busy, practically busy all weekend except Sunday.
Hm. Interesting. Could be that he is setting up the booty call dynamic. Could be that he thought you weren’t interested in HIM by the way you left in the middle of the night. Not clear just yet.
I ignored him, I didn’t respond. My pride was hurt, not my feelings. What was I in it for? Obviously just sex. I made it clear.
No. You didn’t. You were clear yourself, but you didn’t make anything clear to HIM, it seems. We don’t know anything about you people. Assume otherwise at your peril. Seriously. As obvious as you THINK you’re being, unless you draw a sign that says, “I want to sleep with you and nothing else,” and staple it to our faces, we’re not necessarily gonna get it. In our defense, we are sorry about that.
But that first night, he asked how it was. Now why would a dude ask that?
Guys like to keep score in their heads. We like to think that we are total bad asses.
Well, me being honest, I said I’ve had similar.
Yikes, was THAT the wrong answer. And by “wrong” I mean, “not likely to make him feel like much of a bad ass.”
Not that that means it was bad. In fact I would say the experience was at the top of my list. But he didn’t like it, he said, with a smile on his face (the hate part of flirting) that he hated me. I didn’t take it seriously of course. So my question is, did I hurt his pride that first night and that’s why he rejected me the following weekend? Does he really just hate me (which I doubt)? Or was he just really busy? I have decided to write him off and just ignore him. But I’m still confused. How do I let a guy know I just want a continous hookup? Thanks.
Well, here’s the thing, Lil. He was not really busy. Or…well, everybody’s really busy, but that’s not why he blew you off. I don’t think he hates you either. But I most definitely DO think you might have wounded his pride a little.
Well, no, not “might have.” I know for sure that you did. I mean, he put himself out there and asked how the sex was. It was your first time together, and…well you wonder why a guy might ask that question? The answer? I know it’s a tough one…ready?
TO GET A COMPLIMENT!
It’s the same thing as when a woman asks a man how she looks in an outfit when she’s all dressed up. She’s not taking a survey. She’s saying, “Hey! You there! I am interested in feeling good about myself, pally. Make that happen, like, nowski.” And most guys know this and fall all over themselves accordingly.
I mean, what if this happened?
YOU: How do I look in this outfit?
HIM: Meh. About average, compared to the other girls I’ve dated.
Ouch. Not ideal, right? Seems like that’s what happened here. You guys hung out, had some sex, and you then basically told him that he was in no way exceptional. Just sort of “on par” with some other dudes. And then you left.
Why would he think you’d want him to call?
And when you called him, looking for a little late night nooky, he might have thought to himself, “Ok, she’s into just having a little booty. But how fun is that going to be? She wasn’t so thrilled with it last time. If I’m going to be having a booty call, I don’t want to feel like I’m getting a C at it.”
That’s the whole point of a booty call. To make yourself feel BETTER, not more insecure.
HOW TO FIX THIS THING?
Lil, I think you might be screwed here. And by “screwed” I don’t mean “laid.” I can tell you this — you are not so likely to hear from him. And if you were to chase him down, I don’t know how you’d do that without giving him the impression that you are looking for more than just an ongoing hookup.Which clearly you’re not.
I think your plan is best, Lil. Let ‘im go. And the next time you do sex unto someone and want to do it again, let him know you had fun! (Or if you didn’t have fun, why do you want to do it again anyway?)
What do you think, ladies? Any way to ensnare this guy?
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Pretty common story — they met while he was in town for a conference. He says he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship…but he still wants to visit. Is this some kind of a protracted booty call? Or is he interested in more than he says he is? What IS this guy, anyway? Let’s see what we know:
So here goes…I met a man a couple of months ago when he came into Atlanta. He was there for a conference and then we ended up spending all our free time together. We kept in touch and i went to visit him for a week in Maine. The week was great, he was on break from grad school and it was just a perfect vacation. We talked, laughed, made love, and it was hard to believe that I had not known this person for years.
It all sounds fun so far, but not yet in the realm of necessarily a serious thing, right? Sort of like an extended “summer camp romance” where you are all hot and/or heavy together because you’re not in the midst of “real life” and you’re eating a lot of camp oatmeal and trying to hide behind cabins to make out, etc. Ok, maybe some of that isn’t totally universal.
Anyway, at this point, all we know is that you guys have fun chemistry together. Let’s see how that “real life” plays into it.
In the mean time I decided to move to another country for a year for a teaching position.
Holy crap, is THAT ever “real.”
This was something I was thinking about before I met him and something I have always wanted to do. We talked everyday and decided to see each other one last time for a week before I left. He paid for my plane ticket to come and kept saying how he didn’t want me to leave(Maine or the country).
All good signs, but still not definitive, right? I mean, what he’s doing could theoretically still just be for the romance/fun/excitement/adventure/booty of it all, or it could be something more.
I care about him deeply and would try a committed relationship with him through the year. But he says he does not want to be in a long distance relationship. He is very clear about this, and has asked me many times if I think he is jerk for feeling that way.
Even THIS isn’t definitive because if you think about it, it’s just talk. It could either be that he:
a.) Really feels this way, or
b.) Just thinks he feels this way, because that’s how he’s felt in other situations.
One slightly reddish flag is that he’s pre-emptively calling himself a “jerk” about it. Usually we do that when we intend to behave like a jerk and want to make sure that nobody can act surprised when we, you know, DO that. Not definitive here, but possible.
What we need to do is to see what happens now that seeing each other will be potentially very challenging for you two.
However, he has asked me if he can come visit me for two weeks during the middle of my year abroad. He wants to book the ticket before I leave…which is in two weeks. I want him to come…but i feel like that pressure will keep me from engaging in possible relationships because i know he will be coming, while he can do as he pleases because i will have no idea what’s occurring back in the states. So what does this mean…he doesn’t want a long distance relationship but wants to keep open communication and wants to come visit…translation please? And should I even allow him to visit?
Ok, here’s the deal. My advice is going to seem like it’s contradicting what you’ve asked for. But hey, it’s my website, right? I can contradict anybody I want to, and nobody can stop me. I’m drunk with power. Well, maybe not drunk. I’m definitely not legal to drive with power, though. If they gave me a power breathalyzer. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?
EITHER/OR? HOW ABOUT BOTH?
You seem to suggest that your options are:
- Let him come visit, thereby keeping you from engaging in other possible relationships, OR
- Don’t let him come visit, and see what happens. I am suggesting a third option:
- Let him come AND be willing to let whatever happens happen with him OR whomever else.
YOU’RE NOT AS POWERFUL AS YOU THINK
It’s so important to remember this. Usually my life reminds me of it, like, a million times a day. But in your case, here are some things you can’t really do:
- Determine how much this guy is going to commit to you or not given what little you know so far. You just don’t have enough info.
- Stop yourself from falling in love with him if that’s what you feel, even if you actively forbid him to visit.
- Stop yourself from falling for someone NEW you meet, if that’s what happens. Even if you know your Maine Man is coming to visit.
What I’m saying is this. You seem to want to kind of seal up the “right decision” ahead of time without knowing how he feels, who you might meet, what might happen, etc. I’m suggesting that you can’t really do all of this stuff. Or any of it.
Oh, and about his whole no-way-jose on the long distance relationship…
DOES “AS FAR AS YOU CAN THROW IT” MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I’m not saying that he’s lying. Not at all. And I’m not saying that I know he either does or doesn’t want/accept/need a long distance relationship. With you or anybody else. What I’m saying is, this guy might not really know WHAT he wants with this sort of thing. He might have limited (and lousy) experience with LDRs and think he knows.
But whatever it is, no matter what he says, you won’t really know what’s going on until you see his ACTIONS, right?
Then again, he did say it, yes? So, even though he may or may not be full of it, I still suggest you take it all with a grain of salt. Unless you’re on blood pressure meds, in which case consult your doctor.
What I mean is, you acknowledge that you really don’t know what the future holds for you two. You also don’t know what the future holds for you and some mystery foreign dude who doesn’t exist yet. (I understand they’re very alluring with their “accents” and “eccentric smells.”)
AGAIN, YOU JUST DON’T WIELD THAT KIND OF POWER
Seriously, you just don’t know about either thing. So since there is ZERO you can do but wait for this all to be revealed, I say to go ahead and ENJOY not knowing. Let it be an adventure. Whatever is the right thing WILL happen, Anne. Nothing you could do to stop it if you tried.
What’s your advice, ladies? Let him visit? Tell him no? What’s your take?
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What does it mean when the guy you are with introduces you to his buddies as “my friend”? As is “this is my friend so and so”, nice to meet you… On top of that the guy only shows public displays of affection (i.e. hand holding/ kissing) when his buddies are not around. Is this a sign that you are in the “booty call” category?
Well, it seems to me that there is only one reason why someone would do this, with several variations. What’s the reason?
He wants to make sure that SOMEBODY doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Clearly. Now, the question is, who is that “somebody” in this case, and what’s the “wrong” idea? Could it be that he doesn’t want…
- …you to think you’re dating, or get used to that idea.
- …his buddies to know you’re together because he doesn’t like you that much.
- …his buddies to know that he DOES like you that much.
- …to overstep the bounds of your relationship by calling you “girlfriend” if he doesn’t know if YOU want to be called that.
Well, that or he has a medical issue where if he says the word ‘girlfriend’ he poops himself. There’s always that to consider.
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PDA…BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE BOYS
That’s an interesting clue, there. I mean, he clearly likes being affectionate with you. So why wouldn’t he want them to see that?Well it depends if he likes you or not.
If he likes you…sigh…guys have this thing about admitting how they feel in front of their pals and their families. It can be incredibly annoying, and we will often avoid it like the plague. You’re going to get crap for it, you know it, and so you don’t want to actually tell them anything until…well, until it’s unavoidable. Right around, “Do you take this woman…” if at all possible.
And if he DOESN’T really like you, well, you certainly don’t want to introduce your booty call to your pals and call her girlfriend, and then spend the next two weeks on the phone going, “Dude, no, I just CALLED her that.”
And again, there’s the possibility that he’s not sure how much YOU like HIM, and he doesn’t want to just make that call right there in front of his pals and have you say, “Girlfriend? What the hell are you talking about? I’m his FRIEND, everybody, ok?”
SO….IT COULD BE ANYTHING?
Yeah, I’m sorry, but we just don’t know enough. But here’s how to tell. Don’t go batshit crazy and yell about it. Won’t get you anywhere. Make a joke about it. Next time you’re alone with him after one of those introductions, make a joke about how, “So, er, ‘friend’ huh? You, uh, trying to tell me something there, or what?”
Now, am I saying that this conversation will go well? Who knows? But you’ll know where you stand. Until you know more about his motives, I’m afraid you’re just not going to know. The good news, Tara, is that you’re not going to drive him away like this. If this drives him away, he was already away. That’s how you’ll know that it WAS a booty call. Not the worst thing to know about for sure, you know?
Ever introduced as a friend, pal, or buddy? How did it play out?
From my years of experience helping clients on first dates, the most important thing you can do to build a connection with your date is to focus your attention on them and really make them feel like you are genuinely interested in them. Here are some tips for making that happen:
- Treat their statements like gems of wisdom – everyone wants to know that their thoughts are appreciated
- Turn off that cell phone and ignore the hottie walking by – your attention should stay on your date
- Give your date eye contact about 70% of the time. 100% will make them feel uncomfortable and they can interpret the discomfort as feeling butterflies in their stomach for you
- Use their name often – it makes people feel more connected to you
- Smile often and assume they can do everything successfully
- Answer questions about yourself enthusiastically and confidently and then redirect the conversation back to the subjects your date is interested in
- Be positive and grateful about where you are, what you are doing, and who you are doing it with
- Treat your date like they are the most important person in the world
Reprinted with permission from Loveawake Dating Site. If you are single and haven’t met the right person yet, check out these pages:
Get off the Internet!!!
Huh? A web-based dating company telling you to get offline???
Yes! While we completely believe that Sparkology is the best place to meet quality people, you should try to move from the digital world to the real world soon after you meet them*.
- Quick to Judge: Ever read the book Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell? You form your opinion of the person you’re chatting with within a few seconds. Realistically, after skimming their profile and sending one or two messages back and forth, you can weed out those who are completely not worth your time. And if you follow our advice for keeping first dates quick and frugal, it won’t cost you much time or money. So follow your gut and get out and meet people!
- False Expectations: When you go back and forth online, you conjecture an image in your mind of that person. Like a kid playing make-believe, you fill in the gaps from your online interactions with your fantasies. Your imagination creates a surreal person, one that the real candidate could never live up to when you do finally meet.
Even if things don’t go perfectly or the chemistry just isn’t right, you know that the person is a credentialed member of the Loveawake family. They are exciting, outgoing, classy, ambitious, and beautiful. At the very least, you’ve just made a great new friend!
* Provided you take all proper safety precautions!!!
Maybe the term is used because a guy thinks he either has to spend money on you or the girl thinks that they need to hang out for a least a few hours for it to be considered a date. Or just maybe its because if we call it a “meeting” than there is no commitment to having to see this person again. But really, that makes no sense.
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What about using the term; “Blind Date”? But with online dating, you spend a moment emailing, then talking on the phone, then decide to meet in person. So you actually may know even more about this person than a traditional “blind-date”. Sometimes a blind date can be a complete set-up by family and friends and you have not even spoken… so I don’t think the term “Blind Date” works well either.
A “meeting” is something you do at work. This may include a large, cold board room with a handful of people sitting around trying to small talk. This is not the kind of feeling I want on my first encounter.
The definition on Wikepedia says “In a meeting, two or more people come together for the purpose of discussing a (usually) predetermined topic such as business or community event planning, often in a formal setting.” They even show photos of board rooms within the definition.
But my Apple Dictionary had two kinds of definitions. 1 an assembly of people, esp. the members of a society or committee, for discussion or entertainment. 2 a coming together of two or more people, by chance or arrangement.
Okay, okay maybe it could be called a “meeting”, it just seems impersonal to me. You are “meeting” this person for the small possibility that you may have a spark which could lead to something great. Not a business transaction.
I think I would like to start a trend and come up with a new word. Any ideas? No existing words really work for me. “Appointment”, “Interview”, “Contact”, all sounds way too cold. “Encounter” is a sexy word in my opinion, but maybe way too sexy for an initial get-together. (not unless there was major sparks!)
Experiment. Is another word that comes to mind. You’re mixing two people’s personalities together to see if there is a reaction. But sounds a little too science for me. “Trial” sounds cold, even though it is exactly that. I’m really stumped here. I believe it has to be a completely new word in our vocabulary. Something in reference to online or internet dating.
Got any ideas? I welcome suggestions!
I believe I am quite good at online flirting. Its easy for me to craft fun statements and say just enough. Of course it is! I am hiding behind my keyboard! Much harder in person to be so flirtatious. I do believe there is a craft to it. I don’t tend to respond to the dudes that write me and say “Hi, I liked your profile, if you like mine, write me back.” Seriously who is going to be intrigued by that?
Recently I was at an event and was fortunate enough to meet “The Personal Trainer for Love”, Evan Marc Katz. This is a guy who has been on CBS, CNN, Today Show, The Tyra Banks Show and Good Morning America the list goes on. His speciality is providing one-on-one coaching. He has written over 500 profiles for people. After exchanging cards, the next day I went to his website. A few statements caught my eye: “Maybe you’re not meeting enough people” “Maybe you’re not getting the attention you deserve online” “Maybe you’re confused by the behaviors of the opposite sex”
He knows his business thats for sure. In his video, he provides a few tips when communicating online.
1. Be unique. Never say “Hi” as the subject. Catch their eye, make them intrigued to want to open your message.
2. Don’t write lists. People tune out. Everyone says, I like music, playing sports and watching movies…Boring. It says nothing about you. This is not a personal statement its an ad. Connect with stories. Instead of saying “I like to travel”. Say “I had the best sangria in Barcelona.”
3. If you are explaining what kind of person you want to be with, think of the time you were in love and with a great person. Don’t say I am looking for someone thoughtful, instead, “He would wake me in the morning with the Style section and blueberry pancakes. People can connect with stories than lists.
4. Keep emails short and close confidently. Its not “if he’s going to write back” its “when”.
All of this is so true! I plan on working on my profile to include more stories, maybe I will be brave enough to show you my “before” and “after”.
One thing that gets me every time is humor. I am one who loves to laugh, and those who know me, know how contagious my laugh is. So to talk with a guy who is very humorous, we have quite a bit of fun. So if a guy can take a creative and humor approach to his profile I’m instantly intrigued.
Recently, I read the most hilarious profile, somehow this guy wrote a profile that was so funny but in the end really had nothing to say about himself…I can’t even explain it. But its the best one I’ve read yet.
And the better news is he is just as funny in person. After talking on email and phone, we finally met. Have you ever been with someone you were having so much fun with that you noticed that everyone was looking. Because you were the “fun” couple in the corner they wished they were? That was us. Summer of fun please don’t end!
I figured it was a good time for a little GoodbyeGal update.
With Valentine’s Day fast approaching I’d expect that a single chick, such as myself, to be putting in a little effort into alerting cupid that I am totally available… but I’m not. I feel no pressure, thankfully (at least not yet and I realize this could change in the next 10 min).
Things are progressing, albeit slowly, with Office Guy. I am taking it as a good sign that I received a drunk text from him over the weekend indicating that he was showing off my pictures to his sister, who he is very close with. To back this up I also received a text last night while watching the Grammys. An artists came on who we’d recently discussed and just as I was thinking of sending him a text about them I received one from him. I am on his mind and it’s a nice place to be.
We haven’t discussed anything related to Valentine’s day, but I already know he is not free that weekend. He’s a single dad and that happens to be a weekend with kid. Also, I don’t want spook him with any requests to spend time even if it’s a “platonic” non-date date. He has repeatedly expressed how he enjoys my company, what little we spend and the fact that he is reaching out to me outside of work as much as I him has me quite content with letting things just happen when they happen.
I’ve pretty much ditched all the other guys I’d been talking to, except The Boy.. who *is* just a toy and a very fun one at that. He’s got quite a packed schedule with School and a new job, but managed to make a house call this past weekend. We’ve reached the point where we have zero inhibitions with each other. I know his buttons and love to push them… from his reactions he seems to love it too
My Doublelist online dating profiles are gathering dust and I’ve only logged on a few times over the past month to exchange messages with Rabbit, an agoraphobic (or as I like to pronounce it – angora.phobic – thus the nick name Rabbit). He came clean during our first phone conversation that he has this irrational fear of driving places, but assured me it was only long distances and traveling alone. It didn’t scare me off right away, but add to that his dislike of Seafood and much of the music I listen to and I just didn’t see us having a future. It was apparent to him that I was dismissing him and he begged a little that I would try to see past it all and “like him”, but that just showed him as insecure and un-confident, not too attractive when you already have some major strikes. What really sealed the deal were the multiple times he told me I reminded him of his Ex wife. Next!
As if the Rabbit wasn’t enough to send me into hiding from the male population for a while…. an old high school friend has been sending me flirty Facebook messages. I’d like to refer to him as Triple Nipple and yes, he had three nipples! I say had, because after scanning his photos it appears he has had it removed. I am still traumatized from the night I got an up close and personal look at it. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I was in a relationship at the time, he was dating my best friend, and he was drunk and throwing himself on me at a party… when he cornered me in a dimly lit bedroom and tore his shirt off I was shocked! He acted like it was no big deal… seriously!? Ew.
So, no I am not Looking for Love, I do not need a Valentine. I’m content (for now).
I am curious to know what you all have planned for the Big day of Love… I’ll happily live vicariously though you!
We hate to put a damper on your Christmas cheer, but your significant others are almost certainly lying to you about their holiday spending. Not that it matters, because buying your wife or girlfriend the perfect gift probably won’t convince her to sleep with you anyway.
When you do have sex with your partner, tread lightly. Ladies who fake orgasms are more likely to cheat, but women in committed relationships are more likely to orgasm in the first place. Speaking of infidelity, we found out that there could be a genetic basis for both emotional and sexual jealousy. That said, it’s not necessarily your imagination. If your spouse is acting extra-clingy, he or she might be cheating. By the way, cuddling could be the best thing for your relationship – snuggling releases the “love hormone” oxytocin, which will make you find your significant other much more attractive – but it’s also the most irritating thing a new partner can do in bed.
Technology is bringing us closer together (most people have used social media to creep on their first love), but it’s also tearing us apart. Your partner is cheating because you’re obsessed with your phone, your texting is ruining your relationship, and your Facebook can accurately predict when you’ll break up. Spooky, right?
Unfortunately for the rest of us, hot people only want to bone other hot people, which makes sense, considering opposites officially don’t attract. But if you’re single, don’t sweat it. The more you obsess over your relationship status, the more likely you are to settle for a total dud. Instead, enjoy a night out with your friends, if only because in a group, all of you will look hotter. Failing that, go and get your hair did, because your relationship with your stylist will almost definitely outlast your marriage.
Should you decide to look for love online, make sure you put the color blue in your profile pictures. Whatever you do, don’t take a date to McDonald’s – even if you, like a third of all women, are embarrassed to be seen in public with your new boyfriend.
I am a little late to this party, but had to comment, because all the animus that seems so objectionable to the author threads through her entire piece. I truly believe most people who do online dating need to stop, take a deep breath and recite OM! We just take this stuff too seriously.
What’s the point of getting worked up about someone endlessly viewing your profile. I don’t think the stalking analogy applies. It’s more like “the guy who hangs out at a particular corner” looking at you every day you go by. Now if he says something, then I can see the need for complaining. If all he does, is look at you when you go by, it’s just what happens when you go out your house. People look at you. Also remember that if one changes one’s profile pic often, people will inadvertently look at you a second and third time.
This notion of privacy at an online site just doesn’t exist. These profiles are in the public domain, and easily searched and found. It’s the price we pay when we use an online dating site or facebook or any of these things. So some people are indeed going to tell you they saw you at some site. One has to expect it. We can make a point not to date that person, but getting our panties or jocks in a bunch about it, is just pure drama, that’s all.
Sometimes for the sake of our sanity, we have to avoid over-dwelling on all things, that should be, and shouldn’t be. It just takes too much time and energy to be trapped by that! Some things are indeed self-fulfilling. Staying easy-going and assuming the best in people, just attracts other people like that to us. Drama and pickiness just attracts the same.