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We Went to Prom, But Now I Can’t Figure Out What He Wants
Hi Loveawake Team,
I am 16 girl from Christchurch and the guy from Auckland I like is 14. We went to prom together and my friend organized this beach day with a bunch of us, and he came as well. We had a great time at prom and I think he had a nice time at the beach.
So now, every time we text, I am the one who usually starts the conversation and start it off saying, “Hey, how’s it going?” I know it’s really original. But I was thinking, well if he is interested in me and wants to make the effort into making this into something more, then he will text me first, right? Well I know it sounds ridiculous and I’ve heard many times before that it is okay for the girl to make the first move and ask him to hang out. But I feel since I asked him to prom and to come along to the beach with my friends, maybe I should hold back and wait for him to ask me to hang out? And I know that sounds bad, but I asked my Tauranga female friends what I should do and they should that I should just wait and give him some time to figure out how he feels and stuff, because if he is interested then he will make the effort to do so. But that also scares me because how long should I wait for him to text me, or if I should even wait at all? I don’t know how he feels about me, but my friends think that he definitely likes me, and as much as I want to believe them I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.
So because we haven’t talked since the beach day which was like a week ago, and I don’t want to lose contact with him over the summer, do you guys think it would be okay for me to ask him if he wants to hang out, just the two of us? Maybe get together for the 4th of July if he doesn’t have any plans? I really like the guy and I hope he has the same feelings for me and I just wish it could turn into something more, but I also don’t want to overwhelm him or pressure him into anything, because he is younger. And also, if/when we do hang out, do you guys think it would be okay for me to ask him something like “where is this going? “Do you feel the same way as I feel about you?” Or is that pushing it too far?! Because I would really like to know, and I feel that we are both sending each other mixed messages and it’s a very confusing situation.
Thank you for reading this, I look forward to your advice!
Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Typically we like to see the guy be the one to initiate making plans or any sort of communication—text, phone, email—at least in the “getting to know” stage. We understand that in this day and age it’s not so clear cut, and that young Hamilton women like yourself, often are the ones to initiate, but if you really want to know how a guy feels, a pretty clear indicator is his willingness to take a risk and put his butt on the line by calling/texting and asking you out. It’s never easy to initiate communication or ask a girl out with the possibility of getting rejected, but that’s part of the deal. If a young man can’t handle the thought of getting rejected, he shouldn’t be in the game. (Young women have it hard too. As you know, they have to sit around and wait and wonder and question what’s going on. So there is inherent risk on both sides.)
Your specific case is a little trickier to read because you’re two years older than him, which means a lot at your age. Girls mature — physically and emotionally—faster than boys. So the two year difference, which in ten years won’t be a big deal, is a big deal right now. The bottom line: You’re much more mature than he is, even if he’s mature for his age.
Typically we’d say wait and see what he does. But if he’s swimming over his head, which he likely is, you might need to be the one to move things along. It seems you’re comfortable doing so, since you asked him to the prom, so we don’t see the harm in continuing. BUT…..only for a a short time. At some point soon, he needs to step up to the plate. A relationship at any age involves some effort by both parties. It involves thinking beyond yourself, and thinking and acting upon what the other person might need. Honestly, we doubt he’s ready for that at 14. (Jeez, even some 40 year-old guys aren’t ready for that sort of effort.) But if you really like him, try to boost him up a bit—without knocking yourself down—and see if he will step up to the plate on his own, gradually. If he doesn’t figure it out, you could talk to him, but honestly, if he can’t figure it out on his own, it’s not your job to teach him. You’re just going to end up being frustrated after a time. (And we’d wait on asking him where this is going. You still need to get him to text you first!)
Our advice: Before you do anything we’re suggesting, you should listen to your friends and take their advice. They sound pretty smart. Give your guy a little time. If he doesn’t step it up, then you have some choices to make about how you want to proceed. (Initiate…..help him figure things out…..or move on.)
We hope it works out. Have a great summer.
THE Loveawake Team
How To Maintain Eye Contact With Women (And Smile)
The deep mystery concerning eye contact with women - solved at last!
Eye Contact with Women
The deep mystery concerning eye contact with women – solved at last! And a few pointers on your pearly whites.
Uh, yeah. You should definitely look at your date while you’re out with her.
Seriously, does anyone really need an article to actually explain this?
You can find all sorts of “theories” about why you should maintain eye contact with women. Some of them are pretty good. I’ll skip those and cut straight to what our research and testing results shows (read: what actually gets results when we talk to real women on the street).
Maintaining eye contact when you’re with a woman who is into you can be powerful. Add in a subtle smile and you’re golden. Not a big giant grin. You want her to not really even know if you’re smiling.
Practice in a mirror.
The final verdict – Yes! Eye contact with women is good.
No, you shouldn’t get all creepy and stare at her the way a fat kid eyes a slice of deep-fried pizza.
And no, by eye contact we don’t mean you should reach across the table and try to touch her eyeballs.
Contacts are always better than glasses.
Lasik is better than contacts (although colored contacts test really well with lots of girls).
But if you can’t hold her gaze while having a relaxed conversation with her, making her laugh, a gentle and open smile on your face, then yup, you’re in for a tough time.
And speaking of smiles …
Get your teeth whitened.
Get your teeth fixed.
Get rid of your bad breath.
Get that food out from between your chompers.
Be sure to look at her and smile.
And yes, it really does help if you can remember her name. Especially after you marry her.
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The Case of the Returned Necklace – or Grief Part Deux
We’ve got a follow-up on a post from a while back entitled, “Was that Just His Grief Talking?” A reader named Heather is trying to figure out, once and for all, Is he IN or is he OUT? Let’s find out:
Hi Jeff,
I just recently wrote about dating a man whose mother passed away from cancer…see, “was that just his grief talking”. I really appreciated what you wrote and can only say that I am writing again because he called me last night and I swear was speaking latin!! I say that because I have NO IDEA as to what he was trying to convey to me.
Oh man, it’s too bad he didn’t call me, as I actually took Latin in high school. Yeah, that’s right, I took Latin. What are you gonna do, beat me up and take my lunch money? Wait, really? Please don’t, I’m so hungry…
Ok, here goes. We broke up Feb 5th after things were crazy following the death of his mother. I emailed him once after that to say I was sorry for being harsh (which I was) and that I understood that the relationship was at the end. I got no response…fine…I’m really ok with that (like I have a choice). Anyway, during our last night together I left my necklace at his house.
Now…if Sigmund Freud were here, he might wonder if someone might “accidentally” leave something at someone’s house to, you know, have an excuse for more contact. I know, I know, no one has ever REALLY done that before. Just saying…
I emailed him and asked him to send it via mail. He said he would. A month later I still didn’t have the necklace so I sent him another email asking him to send it and giving him my address again. I got no response…fine…I’m really ok with that (like I have a choice)
That’s like the chorus of this song, is it? Me likey.
Still a week later no necklace. I then emailed him again and said I was sending a self addressed stamped envelope for him to send it back to me. He responded, said he’d gotten busy and wasn’t sure if he should send it regular mail or fed ex. I told him I’d take care of it. Well, last week I got the necklace in the
envelope I had provided. I texted him the next day and let him know I received it and said thanks he responded to that text. Seems innocent enough, huh???
Hunky dory, sure. But I…I’m sensing that it was not?
Okay, so last night I am sitting at home, minding my own business and enjoying one of my most guilty pleasures in life…Big Brother. The phone rings and it’s him. I haven’t actually spoken to him since the middle of January so you can imagine my surprise. He said he was sorry for the way things ended but that he felt I was pushing him and he just couldn’t take it (being in extreme grief over the very recent death of his mother).
Ok, very interesting. Calls up with an apology and an explanation for why things didn’t work out on his part. No reason to do that unless he’s a.) interested in getting back together or b.) uncomfortable with the idea that you might hate his guts. Both are common, let’s see if we can figure out which one we’re dealing with here.
I stated that I could understand he felt that way and that I was sorry for pushing him during a time when he was so unsteady. He went on to say that he likes me, that “you’re the classiest woman I have ever met…I was just talking to Nick (best friend) about you the other night”. He said he missed me at least four or five times and that he was attracted to me. Stated that he just didn’t know if he could fall in love with me. I was shocked that we were having this conversation since his ability to be in love with me was now
unimportant as we are broken up. He goes on to say that he wants to spend time with me but that he can’t have a relationship with me…
Ah. Ok, I neglected to consider option C, which is that he is looking for all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. Often, the phrase, “I want to spend time with you, but can’t have a relationship,” can manslate out to: “I want to have guilt-free sex with you, and later when you’re mad, I can tell you that I told you so.” This goes for any other “excuse-style” self disclosures that basically tell you, “Hey, don’t expect me to treat you very well.” (See: “I have ADD/Chronic Depression/Aspergers,” or, “Hey, I’m just a very passionate person,” etc.)
Not sure that’s what we’re talking about here. I don’t think it’s about the sex, exactly. We’ll see…
He stated that he was exhausted and that he had, “fought an unwinnable fight” (referring to his mother’s battle with cancer) and that before that the woman he loved had left him and it really hurt him. I told him that it was understandable and that now that I had some clarity (after having been away from him for two months) I was able to see that him having a relationship right now was not possible.
I ended the phone conversation (after almost an hour) and said it was nice talking with him.
Ok, that’s another possible clue here. An hour on the phone is an awful long time for someone just looking for some booty…
He said that maybe he could call me and we could go out for a drink…you know…as friends.
Heh. Oh, that phrase — “as friends.” That one always makes me laugh.
I told him that I didn’t see anything wrong with this but that he needed to know that I would be dating other men because I was ready for a relationship. He stammered around this a little bit but never really said anything…
Now I have no idea what that was…I also find it interesting that he called me after sending my necklace back. Was he holding onto it in hopes of keeping the door open? What was the call about. You will probably have to read the previous post to get some background info. but I sure would appreciate some help here.
Thanks
Heather
Dear Heather,
Here’s the thing. This guy seems to have trouble understanding what’s going on within himself. So cut yourself a little slack for not being able to understand it either, you know? I think he might even like you. I think he really was calling because he missed you. But I don’t know that he’s able to give you a real relationship right now.
That, “I can’t have a relationship right now” stuff? I just don’t know. Sounds to me like this guy is still reeling from his mom’s death. He’s still messed up about that, of course, and he’s lonely, and YOU were who he saw last. You were nice to him, you guys seemed to have a good time. He wants to feel normal again. He wants some positive female attention. (Hey, who doesn’t?) But unless there’s more to the story, it seems like what he’s looking for is a bandaid, not a relationship. (Not literally. Bandaids are really cheap, and almost everybody knows where to buy one. Metaphor, people. Metaphor.)
Honestly, I think you said the right thing to him when you told him you were ready for a relationship and would be dating. He’s all confused. All cattywampus, if you will. (And I will.) But that doesn’t mean that you have to be. And it doesn’t mean that you have to deal with his confusion. You said it — you’re ready for something real. You’re going to be dating. You’re not interested in, “Well, I can’t give you all of me, but I still want you around,” right? Well, you told him that.
VERDICT: IF HE’S READY, HE’S GONNA HAVE TO SHOW A LITTLE MORE
Look, you don’t need me to tell you this, it seems, but you don’t want to get into a relationship with someone who says they don’t want a relationship. Because that is usually a pre-excuse for behaving however the hell you feel like. You don’t need that crap. And you told him so.
Hey, who knows? There might be a moment when he steps up to the plate (again, metaphor, folks) for real. But he certainly hasn’t yet. And until he does, it’s not your job to accept whatever half-nonsense he’s willing to dole out on his own terms, right?
Good luck, Heather. Sadly, this guy seems still a little emotionally stirred up right now. Sounds like he’s still got some stuff to figure out. Unlike me, of course. I’m as sane as can be…ugh…
What say you ladies? Why this call? What’s Heather’s next move here?
Why Such a “Friend”-ly Introduction?
A reader named Tara is with a guy…except in front of his pals. Does this mean Booty Call? Well…maybe.
What does it mean when the guy you are with introduces you to his buddies as “my friend”? As is “this is my friend so and so”, nice to meet you… On top of that the guy only shows public displays of affection (i.e. hand holding/ kissing) when his buddies are not around. Is this a sign that you are in the “booty call” category?
Dear Tara,
Well, it seems to me that there is only one reason why someone would do this, with several variations. What’s the reason?
He wants to make sure that SOMEBODY doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Clearly. Now, the question is, who is that “somebody” in this case, and what’s the “wrong” idea? Could it be that he doesn’t want…
- …you to think you’re dating, or get used to that idea.
- …his buddies to know you’re together because he doesn’t like you that much.
- …his buddies to know that he DOES like you that much.
- …to overstep the bounds of your relationship by calling you “girlfriend” if he doesn’t know if YOU want to be called that.
Well, that or he has a medical issue where if he says the word ‘girlfriend’ he poops himself. There’s always that to consider.
PDA…BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE BOYS
That’s an interesting clue, there. I mean, he clearly likes being affectionate with you. So why wouldn’t he want them to see that?Well it depends if he likes you or not.
If he likes you…sigh…guys have this thing about admitting how they feel in front of their pals and their families. It can be incredibly annoying, and we will often avoid it like the plague. You’re going to get crap for it, you know it, and so you don’t want to actually tell them anything until…well, until it’s unavoidable. Right around, “Do you take this woman…” if at all possible.
And if he DOESN’T really like you, well, you certainly don’t want to introduce your booty call to your pals and call her girlfriend, and then spend the next two weeks on the phone going, “Dude, no, I just CALLED her that.”
And again, there’s the possibility that he’s not sure how much YOU like HIM, and he doesn’t want to just make that call right there in front of his pals and have you say, “Girlfriend? What the hell are you talking about? I’m his FRIEND, everybody, ok?”
SO….IT COULD BE ANYTHING?
Yeah, I’m sorry, but we just don’t know enough. But here’s how to tell. Don’t go batshit crazy and yell about it. Won’t get you anywhere. Make a joke about it. Next time you’re alone with him after one of those introductions, make a joke about how, “So, er, ‘friend’ huh? You, uh, trying to tell me something there, or what?”
Now, am I saying that this conversation will go well? Who knows? But you’ll know where you stand. Until you know more about his motives, I’m afraid you’re just not going to know. The good news, Tara, is that you’re not going to drive him away like this. If this drives him away, he was already away. That’s how you’ll know that it WAS a booty call. Not the worst thing to know about for sure, you know?
Ever introduced as a friend, pal, or buddy? How did it play out?
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5 Lies You Should LET a Man Tell
There are some things better left unsaid. There are some things that aren’t worth finding out about. Here are 5 of them. (How’s THAT for a setup, huh? Huh?)
1.) I’ll give you a call.
Your first mistake is in thinking that these words refer to anything at all. This is not even really a sentence. Just noises that he’s making.
I know a lot of women get really upset about this. “So now I have to wait around for 2 weeks waiting to see if he’s going to call me?” No. You have to wait around for a couple of days. If he doesn’t call in a couple of days, he doesn’t like you. If he DOES call in 2 weeks, it will be at 3am for sex.
“Well, why did he tell me he was going to call in the first place?” Because nobody likes to end an evening with, “Ok, I’m never going to call. Take it easy.”
2.) What? No, of course I don’t find her attractive!
Yes he does. Of course he does. Moreover, he is probably currently thinking about having sex with her. I’m thinking about having sex with her right now, and I’m not even sure who (celebrity/friend of yours/waitress/random person crossing the street) you asked him about. He and I (and every other man on earth) are thinking about ALL of them.
It’s nothing personal. We don’t have control over it. We don’t mean anything by it. But yes, every time an even marginally attractive woman enters our consciousness for more than, say, a nanosecond — we have to run her through the mental sex simulator for a second. It’s the male brain’s way of saying “hello.” But we can’t tell you that. So I wouldn’t bother asking that question if I were you.
Doesn’t mean he’s trying to have sex with people other than you, by the way. It just means that he is currently alive. If you don’t want your man to even fantasize about other women, you’re dating the wrong gender.
3.) I’m a really bad boyfriend.
Holy cow, get out there immediately. This means he doesn’t want to have to admit something he already did, or is planning to do. So he tries to get you to accept the general premise that he’s a lousy boyfriend, and even ARGUE with him about it. That way, when you stick around and he gets arrested for necrophilia, he will be able to act indignant about your reaction. “Hey, I TOLD you I wasn’t a good boyfriend!”
Take him at his word, and dump his ass.
4.) I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
Just accept this answer for the truth and walk away. However, of course it’s not true. Of COURSE he’s looking for a relationship right now. Everybody is looking for a relationship right now. You know who isn’t looking for a relationship right now? Sociopaths. That’s who. Hannibal Lecter isn’t looking for a relationship.
Obviously, this one always means that he’s not looking for YOU, and he’s trying to avoid saying, “Yeah…I don’t really…like you…very much.” Do you really want to hear that?
5.) Yeah, that outfit looks great.
Look, I don’t know if that outfit is great. I have no idea. Neither, likely, does he. When you ask us about clothes, we never know what’s going on. It would be like asking your dog to help fill out your tax return. He will want to help, but for the life of him, he can’t quite figure out what to do about it.
Don’t get mad at him. Just accept that he’s trying (albeit failing) to help. Or at least to not get yelled at.
BUT WHY CAN’T HE JUST GIVE ME HIS OPINION ON MY OUTFIT?
Do you really want to hear him tell you, “My opinion is that I don’t give a crap about this or any other outfit. I can barely see clothes. Look at the way that I dress for christ’s sake.”
===
These are just a few of the many, many lies that we tell you people. Some of them are worth investigating. Stuff like, “No, uh, there are no dead bodies in the house, why do you ask?”
These ones, however, I say just let them slide on by. Unless you just really like shouting.
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Is He Lying To Himself?
A reader named Lisa just got dumped, but her ex-man was acting so sweet not so long ago. What gives? Is he lying to himself about his feelings? Mm…my answer to that question: Who cares?
Lemme ’splain, after the details:
I’ve been seeing this guy for about three years. I know without a doubt I feel love for him. I also know that I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. I just know.
Ouch. Sorry, Lisa, that always just blows.
Yet, when we’re together, he’s attentive, affectionate and caring. Three weeks ago he ended the relationship. His reasons were that he feels he can’t be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t “feel” about me the
way I do about him.
You know, that may be the best breakup you can hope for, in a way. I mean, it’s not “best” like in the category of “strawberry frosted poptarts are the best kind” or something. But at least he’s not giving you hope that isn’t there, like, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” and all of those gems.
What confuses me is a short period before the breakup, he seemed to be himself..affectionate, wanting to see me, etc. So is the golden rule going on in this situation where what he says is not actually what he feels?
If you’re talking about the Manslations Golden Rule, that’s not about words and feelings. That’s about words and ACTIONS. As in, you listen to what he does, not what he says. And what he did here was:
- show you affection, and then later:
- end your relationship
This is not necessarily a contradiction, unless they happened simultaneously, you know? (Which…I can’t even picture doing both of those at exactly the same time.) First he wanted to be with you, THEN he decided he did not.
The attraction and chemistry is still obviously there. He admitted it. Why would he stay seeing me for so long if he didn’t feel something strong for me? Would it have lasted 3 yrs?
You just said it yourself — there’s an attraction. There’s chemistry. That doesn’t mean that you guys have what he wants for his own personal forever-and-ever. But what you DID have was nice enough that he had a hard time admitting that he wanted more. Took him 3 years, is what it seems.
Is he lying to me and himself about how he really feels? By the way, he also said there is no one else. Naturally I asked if that was the real reason for the breakup.
Dear Lisa,
Well, first of all, my condolences. It’s always crappy to break up, and sometimes there isn’t even a big “BANG” that causes it like that time when the universe started.
So what the eff went wrong? Nothing. Which is to say, it already WAS wrong.
Manslata what?
THE TIPPING POINT
I’ve written about the relationship speed bumps before. Places where guys seem to take stock and seem to “suddenly” realize that they want out of a relationship. For those of you playing the home version of our game, such bumps have been spotted at 1 month, 3 months, a year, just under 4 years, and there are many more. It’s not about how much time. It’s about whenever the dude takes stock of his life and wonders, “Is this all there is?”
Truth is, it’s not really sudden. And it’s not just men. We all do this. We have moments when we look at what we’ve got and think, “So…this, huh? Is this what I really want, forever?” Sometimes there’s something obvious that triggers it, sometimes not.
The point, Lisa, is that you don’t want to bother asking your last question — Is he lying to you AND HIMSELF about how he really feels? Don’t go down that rabbit hole, Lisa. Don’t do it. That way madness lay. And the answer doesn’t matter anyway.
But why wouldn’t the answer to that question matter?
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T
(Pretty great answer, huh?)
Seriously, though, what if he WAS lying to both of you about his feelings? He wasn’t, but what would it matter? The man dumped you. He made a decision to let you go. If he can bring himself to do that, let him do it. Don’t get caught thinking, “Oh that poor thing — he doesn’t even realize he’s in love with me!”
No.
He’s told you how he feels. He wants to feel like X, he feels like Y, and he’s decided he wants to keep looking for X. And he told you.
Seriously, take this information and run. It’s a gift. Honesty during a breakup is a gift.
And after all, why would he lie about this? If he was happy being in your relationship, he’d be, you know, happy.
IS THERE ANOTHER WOMAN?
Reasonable for you to ask him this. He said no. Was he telling the truth? Maybe yes, maybe no, but again, I swear it does not matter. Truly, it doesn’t. Whatever the reason, he’s been clear that his choice is to leave. And nobody leaves someone directly because they met someone else. Before you meet someone new, you’ve got to be dissatisfied with the someone OLD or you wouldn’t even see the new person. No way around it.
Let him go, take him at his word that, whatever else may be true, he does NOT feel what he wants to feel. Because if he DID feel what he wanted, he’d stay.
Good luck, Lisa. And again, I’m sorry this guy doesn’t want to stay. There will be guys who do, though.
What say ye? This guy lying to himself? To her? Hello?
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Why Did the Ex Want Her at that Wedding?
So, Confused gets an invitation to this guy’s wedding — a guy she barely knew, but who is bestie-best pals with her ex. She shows up at the wedding, and lo and behold, there’s the ex. With a new girlfriend. Fiance, actually. What happened here? Her friends have a couple of opposing theories. I’ll weigh in and decide the winner. Because hey, it’s my website, and I get to judge stuff. It’s right there in the Manslations charter, look it up.
I never talked with him for months after his sister annoyed me about another girl issue. Last week, his best friend that I barely knew and I’ve met only once came to my office asking politely to attend his own wedding.
Ok, one eyebrow raised so far. Getting a weird invitation from someone you’re not even close to. (Liz and I are inviting, like, seven and a half people to ours, so I really can’t relate to this, “Everybody! Come look at me get dressed up!” thing. But I am, you know, a guy.)
Other friends were invited by e-mails and air mails, but the last invitation card was for me. The groom was making sure about my presence. I went there and found this guy attend the wedding with another new girlfriend.They’re going to get married in three months.
Ah. Well. That must have made for some comfy small talk around the buffet line.
So what’s the point of the invitation? I feel both the guy and his best friend were making sure I see this girl because I didn’t decline invitation brought by a groom himself. My friend theorizes that this guy only wants to maintain good friendship with me. Other friend theorizes that this guy is making sure that I know his current status. Whatever the theory is, i feel being played. I need a manslation. Thank you in advance for giving one
Dear Confused,
I can’t be 100% sure what the groom’s (your ex’s pal) motives were here, mostly because I’m not totally sure about your relationship with your actual Ex. This definitely does seem to point to some kind of a plan engineered by your ex-boy, but it’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on. Let’s take a look at your friend’s theories, because they seem about right:
THEORY ONE: MAINTAINING DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS
I suppose that this one is possible if the following things are true:
- Your ex bears you no ill will.
- He maybe feels a little guilty about the lack of contact between you.
- He feels like you must know about his impending nuptials, but doesn’t have the balls to tell you.
- He is a moron, and doesn’t realize that springing this information on you in public might just sting a little.
Now, I’m sure all of those things have occurred in one dude before. Not often, though. Let’s look at the other theory.
THEORY TWO: LOOK WHO’S GETTING MARRIED, LIKE A BIG BOY!
This one is possible if:
- The ex is insecure, and
- His friend is kind of a jerk, or at least weak-willed enough to go along with the plan.
- …uh…no, that’s pretty much it.
Yeah, there’s not much of a list necessary to make this one plausible. If he felt, for some reason, slighted by you, and was already insecure? Sure, totally possible.
VERDICT: COULD BE EITHER, BUT DON’T BET ON #1
Given the option between your two friends’ theories, I’d tend to believe the latter. I’d guess that your ex wanted you to see him with this girl. I don’t know enough about him to know why, exactly. Was it to rub your nose in it, like, “See? See how happy I am with someone who isn’t YOU!?” Could be.
I can’t really tell because I don’t know what relations were like between you two after your breakup. You’ll know better than I will WHY he was doing this. But it seems like a pretty safe bet that this whole thing only happened because he wanted to show you he was with someone else. And if there’s any reason you might think he’d do it to punish you? Well, sadly, it seems the most likely.
Thanks for the question, Confused.
Just being friendly, or is he being a passive aggressive tool? Your thoughts?
http://kygl.sdei.edu.cn/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/have-you-found-the-one-signs-to-look-for-when-you-re-dating
http://kygl.sdei.edu.cn/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/%E5%80%8B%E6%88%90%E5%8A%9F%E7%9A%84%E5%A5%B3%E4%BA%BA%E7%9A%84%E7%B4%84%E6%9C%83%E5%95%8F%E9%A1%8C
https://www.mojakomunita.sk/web/yousayes/profil/-/blogs/veci-ktore-by-ste-nikdy-nemali-zene-povedat
https://www.mojakomunita.sk/web/yousayes/profil/-/blogs/ako-sa-ludia-zamiluju
https://hozelec.fara.sk/web/yousayes/profil/-/blogs/ako-sa-ludia-zamiluju
https://hozelec.fara.sk/web/yousayes/profil/-/blogs/veci-ktore-by-ste-nikdy-nemali-zene-povedat
https://utopia.sk/liferay/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/how-to-meet-women-online-for-free
https://utopia.sk/liferay/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/free-dating-offers-corner-discover-the-best-online-dating-offers-including-free-trial-memberships-bonus-subscriptions-and-cash-back-promotions-fro
http://www.e-collegium.cz/web/dating/home/-/blogs/dating-a-serial-cheater-how-serial-cheaters-can-seduce-you
http://www.e-collegium.cz/web/dating/home/-/blogs/does-your-ex-want-sex-
http://portal.cover-rb.nl/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/wil-je-ex-seks-
http://portal.cover-rb.nl/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/vakantie-dating
https://iaushiraz.ac.ir/en/web/okcupid/home
https://iaushiraz.ac.ir/en/web/okcupid/gallery
https://iaushiraz.ac.ir/en/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/holidays-without-a-date-advice-on-what-to-do
https://siigap.cjneamt.ro/web/sam/home/-/blogs/you-ll-never-meet-someone-5-warning-signs-that-you-should-know
http://www.ospedalesacrocuore.it/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/non-incontrerai-mai-qualcuno-5-segnali-di-avvertimento-che-dovresti-conoscere
http://www.ospedalesacrocuore.it/web/okcupid/home/-/blogs/il-genitore-single-appuntamenti
How to Let Him Know She Wants a Continuous Hookup
Our intrepid requester, Lil (you seem intrepid, what can I tell you?) wants a standing call du bootay with this guy. He seems to be a little not-ok about the whole thing. How can she make things perfectly clear to him? (Hint: Don’t do a Nixon impression with the double peace signs, saying, “Let me make this purrrfectly clear…” it’s not as sexy as you might think.)
So. I met a guy. We flirted via face-to-face, messaging etc for a few weeks, I would describe it as love/hate flirting.
I can’t say that I totally know what a “hate flirt” would look like. But I’m giggling to myself picturing MY version of it.
We met up with a group of friends. I went home with him and we had sex. I had fun. That was a Monday. He asked me to sleepover, I didn’t. I didn’t want to.I left at 330 in the morning in a cab. He called me a dude.
He…called you a dude? Do you mean that he referred to you AS “dude”? Or that he called you a dude who was driving a cab? Either way, it’s not really an indicator of anything major. Just curious.
I didn’t hear anything from him at all, not even an awkward courtesy phone call the next day, not even a text to make sure I got home alright. That Friday I texted him telling him I wanted to see him that night, specifically “late night.” Guaranteed hookup. He said he was busy, practically busy all weekend except Sunday.
Hm. Interesting. Could be that he is setting up the booty call dynamic. Could be that he thought you weren’t interested in HIM by the way you left in the middle of the night. Not clear just yet.
I ignored him, I didn’t respond. My pride was hurt, not my feelings. What was I in it for? Obviously just sex. I made it clear.
No. You didn’t. You were clear yourself, but you didn’t make anything clear to HIM, it seems. We don’t know anything about you people. Assume otherwise at your peril. Seriously. As obvious as you THINK you’re being, unless you draw a sign that says, “I want to sleep with you and nothing else,” and staple it to our faces, we’re not necessarily gonna get it. In our defense, we are sorry about that.
But that first night, he asked how it was. Now why would a dude ask that?
Guys like to keep score in their heads. We like to think that we are total bad asses.
Well, me being honest, I said I’ve had similar.
Yikes, was THAT the wrong answer. And by “wrong” I mean, “not likely to make him feel like much of a bad ass.”
Not that that means it was bad. In fact I would say the experience was at the top of my list. But he didn’t like it, he said, with a smile on his face (the hate part of flirting) that he hated me. I didn’t take it seriously of course. So my question is, did I hurt his pride that first night and that’s why he rejected me the following weekend? Does he really just hate me (which I doubt)? Or was he just really busy? I have decided to write him off and just ignore him. But I’m still confused. How do I let a guy know I just want a continous hookup? Thanks.
Dear Lil,
Well, here’s the thing, Lil. He was not really busy. Or…well, everybody’s really busy, but that’s not why he blew you off. I don’t think he hates you either. But I most definitely DO think you might have wounded his pride a little.
Well, no, not “might have.” I know for sure that you did. I mean, he put himself out there and asked how the sex was. It was your first time together, and…well you wonder why a guy might ask that question? The answer? I know it’s a tough one…ready?
TO GET A COMPLIMENT!
It’s the same thing as when a woman asks a man how she looks in an outfit when she’s all dressed up. She’s not taking a survey. She’s saying, “Hey! You there! I am interested in feeling good about myself, pally. Make that happen, like, nowski.” And most guys know this and fall all over themselves accordingly.
I mean, what if this happened?
YOU: How do I look in this outfit?
HIM: Meh. About average, compared to the other girls I’ve dated.
Ouch. Not ideal, right? Seems like that’s what happened here. You guys hung out, had some sex, and you then basically told him that he was in no way exceptional. Just sort of “on par” with some other dudes. And then you left.
Why would he think you’d want him to call?
And when you called him, looking for a little late night nooky, he might have thought to himself, “Ok, she’s into just having a little booty. But how fun is that going to be? She wasn’t so thrilled with it last time. If I’m going to be having a booty call, I don’t want to feel like I’m getting a C at it.”
That’s the whole point of a booty call. To make yourself feel BETTER, not more insecure.
HOW TO FIX THIS THING?
Lil, I think you might be screwed here. And by “screwed” I don’t mean “laid.” I can tell you this — you are not so likely to hear from him. And if you were to chase him down, I don’t know how you’d do that without giving him the impression that you are looking for more than just an ongoing hookup.Which clearly you’re not.
I think your plan is best, Lil. Let ‘im go. And the next time you do sex unto someone and want to do it again, let him know you had fun! (Or if you didn’t have fun, why do you want to do it again anyway?)
What do you think, ladies? Any way to ensnare this guy?
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Is This a Long Distance Call of Booty?
Pretty common story — they met while he was in town for a conference. He says he doesn’t want a long-distance relationship…but he still wants to visit. Is this some kind of a protracted booty call? Or is he interested in more than he says he is? What IS this guy, anyway? Let’s see what we know:
Hey Jeff,
So here goes…I met a man a couple of months ago when he came into Atlanta. He was there for a conference and then we ended up spending all our free time together. We kept in touch and i went to visit him for a week in Maine. The week was great, he was on break from grad school and it was just a perfect vacation. We talked, laughed, made love, and it was hard to believe that I had not known this person for years.
It all sounds fun so far, but not yet in the realm of necessarily a serious thing, right? Sort of like an extended “summer camp romance” where you are all hot and/or heavy together because you’re not in the midst of “real life” and you’re eating a lot of camp oatmeal and trying to hide behind cabins to make out, etc. Ok, maybe some of that isn’t totally universal.
Anyway, at this point, all we know is that you guys have fun chemistry together. Let’s see how that “real life” plays into it.
In the mean time I decided to move to another country for a year for a teaching position.
Holy crap, is THAT ever “real.”
This was something I was thinking about before I met him and something I have always wanted to do. We talked everyday and decided to see each other one last time for a week before I left. He paid for my plane ticket to come and kept saying how he didn’t want me to leave(Maine or the country).
All good signs, but still not definitive, right? I mean, what he’s doing could theoretically still just be for the romance/fun/excitement/adventure/booty of it all, or it could be something more.
I care about him deeply and would try a committed relationship with him through the year. But he says he does not want to be in a long distance relationship. He is very clear about this, and has asked me many times if I think he is jerk for feeling that way.
Even THIS isn’t definitive because if you think about it, it’s just talk. It could either be that he:
a.) Really feels this way, or
b.) Just thinks he feels this way, because that’s how he’s felt in other situations.
One slightly reddish flag is that he’s pre-emptively calling himself a “jerk” about it. Usually we do that when we intend to behave like a jerk and want to make sure that nobody can act surprised when we, you know, DO that. Not definitive here, but possible.
What we need to do is to see what happens now that seeing each other will be potentially very challenging for you two.
However, he has asked me if he can come visit me for two weeks during the middle of my year abroad. He wants to book the ticket before I leave…which is in two weeks. I want him to come…but i feel like that pressure will keep me from engaging in possible relationships because i know he will be coming, while he can do as he pleases because i will have no idea what’s occurring back in the states. So what does this mean…he doesn’t want a long distance relationship but wants to keep open communication and wants to come visit…translation please? And should I even allow him to visit?
Dear Anne,
Ok, here’s the deal. My advice is going to seem like it’s contradicting what you’ve asked for. But hey, it’s my website, right? I can contradict anybody I want to, and nobody can stop me. I’m drunk with power. Well, maybe not drunk. I’m definitely not legal to drive with power, though. If they gave me a power breathalyzer. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?
EITHER/OR? HOW ABOUT BOTH?
You seem to suggest that your options are:
- Let him come visit, thereby keeping you from engaging in other possible relationships, OR
- Don’t let him come visit, and see what happens. I am suggesting a third option:
- Let him come AND be willing to let whatever happens happen with him OR whomever else.
Here’s why:
YOU’RE NOT AS POWERFUL AS YOU THINK
It’s so important to remember this. Usually my life reminds me of it, like, a million times a day. But in your case, here are some things you can’t really do:
- Determine how much this guy is going to commit to you or not given what little you know so far. You just don’t have enough info.
- Stop yourself from falling in love with him if that’s what you feel, even if you actively forbid him to visit.
- Stop yourself from falling for someone NEW you meet, if that’s what happens. Even if you know your Maine Man is coming to visit.
What I’m saying is this. You seem to want to kind of seal up the “right decision” ahead of time without knowing how he feels, who you might meet, what might happen, etc. I’m suggesting that you can’t really do all of this stuff. Or any of it.
Oh, and about his whole no-way-jose on the long distance relationship…
DOES “AS FAR AS YOU CAN THROW IT” MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I’m not saying that he’s lying. Not at all. And I’m not saying that I know he either does or doesn’t want/accept/need a long distance relationship. With you or anybody else. What I’m saying is, this guy might not really know WHAT he wants with this sort of thing. He might have limited (and lousy) experience with LDRs and think he knows.
But whatever it is, no matter what he says, you won’t really know what’s going on until you see his ACTIONS, right?
Then again, he did say it, yes? So, even though he may or may not be full of it, I still suggest you take it all with a grain of salt. Unless you’re on blood pressure meds, in which case consult your doctor.
What I mean is, you acknowledge that you really don’t know what the future holds for you two. You also don’t know what the future holds for you and some mystery foreign dude who doesn’t exist yet. (I understand they’re very alluring with their “accents” and “eccentric smells.”)
AGAIN, YOU JUST DON’T WIELD THAT KIND OF POWER
Seriously, you just don’t know about either thing. So since there is ZERO you can do but wait for this all to be revealed, I say to go ahead and ENJOY not knowing. Let it be an adventure. Whatever is the right thing WILL happen, Anne. Nothing you could do to stop it if you tried.
What’s your advice, ladies? Let him visit? Tell him no? What’s your take?
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Why Such a “Friend”-ly Introduction?
What does it mean when the guy you are with introduces you to his buddies as “my friend”? As is “this is my friend so and so”, nice to meet you… On top of that the guy only shows public displays of affection (i.e. hand holding/ kissing) when his buddies are not around. Is this a sign that you are in the “booty call” category?
Dear Tara,
Well, it seems to me that there is only one reason why someone would do this, with several variations. What’s the reason?
He wants to make sure that SOMEBODY doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Clearly. Now, the question is, who is that “somebody” in this case, and what’s the “wrong” idea? Could it be that he doesn’t want…
- …you to think you’re dating, or get used to that idea.
- …his buddies to know you’re together because he doesn’t like you that much.
- …his buddies to know that he DOES like you that much.
- …to overstep the bounds of your relationship by calling you “girlfriend” if he doesn’t know if YOU want to be called that.
Well, that or he has a medical issue where if he says the word ‘girlfriend’ he poops himself. There’s always that to consider.
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PDA…BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE BOYS
That’s an interesting clue, there. I mean, he clearly likes being affectionate with you. So why wouldn’t he want them to see that?Well it depends if he likes you or not.
If he likes you…sigh…guys have this thing about admitting how they feel in front of their pals and their families. It can be incredibly annoying, and we will often avoid it like the plague. You’re going to get crap for it, you know it, and so you don’t want to actually tell them anything until…well, until it’s unavoidable. Right around, “Do you take this woman…” if at all possible.
And if he DOESN’T really like you, well, you certainly don’t want to introduce your booty call to your pals and call her girlfriend, and then spend the next two weeks on the phone going, “Dude, no, I just CALLED her that.”
And again, there’s the possibility that he’s not sure how much YOU like HIM, and he doesn’t want to just make that call right there in front of his pals and have you say, “Girlfriend? What the hell are you talking about? I’m his FRIEND, everybody, ok?”
SO….IT COULD BE ANYTHING?
Yeah, I’m sorry, but we just don’t know enough. But here’s how to tell. Don’t go batshit crazy and yell about it. Won’t get you anywhere. Make a joke about it. Next time you’re alone with him after one of those introductions, make a joke about how, “So, er, ‘friend’ huh? You, uh, trying to tell me something there, or what?”
Now, am I saying that this conversation will go well? Who knows? But you’ll know where you stand. Until you know more about his motives, I’m afraid you’re just not going to know. The good news, Tara, is that you’re not going to drive him away like this. If this drives him away, he was already away. That’s how you’ll know that it WAS a booty call. Not the worst thing to know about for sure, you know?
Ever introduced as a friend, pal, or buddy? How did it play out?