There is a species out there that is forever hunted but never found. That is said to exist but remains untraceable. That is sort by many for its amazing qualities and its rarity that it is now on the verge of extinction.
What am I talking about? Well nothing more than the idea of finding the perfect man.
Let me just ask you this one question? Are you perfect? Are you all strengths and no weaknesses? Are you all smiles and never frowns? Are you all gorgeous and never ugly?
If you answered No to any of those questions then why are you trying to find somebody like that too?
Now I know that may be a little exaggerated but hopefully you get the point. Just like I touched on in my post Mr/Mrs Right – Aint What You Have In Mind I explain that your idea of perfect may not be what you are looking for anyways. But what I am to get across in this post is that maybe PERFECT just doesn’t exist.
I mean this is ME saying this!! And that is a HUGE thing. Because I’m like a chronic perfectionist. High expectations in every area of my life and especially of myself. These character traits have its own strengths and weaknesses too.
N even writing out that very sentence that perfection does not exist is like killing me. Like seriously I think I’m going to need to sit down and get myself some oxygen.
But at the same time, finally accepting that, gives me the greatest liberation, freedom and calmness. Its almost like accepting that, means that I can finally breathe again.
So here is the thing that I figured.
Like forest Gump said ” Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know which one you are going to get”.
He was smarter that I first thought he was.
Because you know what?
Being part of a perfectionist is attempting to gain control in a world that you feel you need to control. DO you know how much stress that puts on you?
Here’s the thing that I discovered. I can’t control the world around me. I can’t control what people think about me. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control a lot of things in my life.
Yes I have choice. Don’t get me wrong. But there are some circumstances that are already dealt with me and its not longer trying to control what situations are given to me, its about being able to control how you are going to react and respond to the situation.
So all in all I’ve come to the conclusion of the perfect man and why he is extinct. Firstly because I don’t think that he ever existed.
Secondly because I think so many people are finally waking up to the fact that for the whole of their life they were so deluded to believe that he was actually real.
So here is what I conclude.
There is no perfect choice. There never has been and there never will be.
The only thing that is perfect, is that … this is the best and most right decision you can make with the current information and current circumstances that you are given.
And when you work within those parameters of doing the best that you can with what you have got, well it kind of makes the this whole concept of the perfect man … so obsolete and forgettable.
So yes the perfect man is going into extinction. But for once, I think that we may be actually better off that way.
Inside Scoop For Next Week: So Next Tuesday and Friday I’m having an “I Love Week”. Here I’m going to have a couple of posts that are going to cover the things I Love Most About ….. Wait for it …
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently found myself caught not in a love triangle but something far worse. I met “Matt” online and we hit it off, now he wants to take things seriously (wants me to move from the US to England with him). While my best friend “Jay” wants to marry me, and we are currently engaged.
After quite some time I realized that Jay isn’t the “one”. Then the plot thickens.*Dun dun dun…* Before Christmas I met “Mark” who is really great but sometimes I feel like he’s not completely honest with me. Then finally my newest problem, “Kaz”, who I’m not quite sure of yet but we both want to date each other, and despite my better judgment have really fallen for. I have another good friend who wants the same but I don’t share his feelings at all. Help, I’m know I’m definitely in way over my head, and it sounds like I’m a teenager again, I should know better, but alas, I’m here. ~Teenager All Over Again~
Dear TAOA: Really? Get thee to a nunnery TAOA. (The BSG and The Bard are like, tight) Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? In summary then:
- Matt is in the UK and wants you to move and marry him.
- Matt in the UK: call him (emailing is tacky, even for exclusively online relationships. If you’ve never actually spoken live and he’s asking you to come to the UK to live with him, the BSG doesn’t even have time to rant about that.) and tell him that you think he’s a great guy, but that you’re already engaged (no need to mention the other men you’re juggling unless he pushes) and so are breaking it off with him. Then break if off with him.
- Your fiancé Jay: Break up with him. The BSG already realizes that you tend toward wishy-washiness and he believes this will result in you sitting at your kitchen table after ten miserable years (for you and Jay both), telling your best friend (as Lucy would tell Ethel at the kitchen table) that you never believed Jay was the “one”. Don’t wait to be miserable; you and Jay are done.
- Not-Completely-Honest-Mark: Be completely honest with him. You’re engaged, you’re seeing several other people, tell him everything. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark, if he’s like many not-completely-honest people, will freak out at the idea of your dishonesty and will flee. He’s the lucky one so far.
- New Guy Kaz: You’re not going to date Kaz. The BSG doesn’t care how much you both want to date. Don’t you SEE the construction site you live in because of all these other projects?
- Your good friend who has feelings for you: Geez TAOA don’t make the BSG come over there. Tell him you’re happy to have him as a friend, but that you’re not interested. Then be sure you’re not sending him mixed signals because the BSG doesn’t think you can be trusted not to entice men into dating you.
TAOA the BSG has great compassion for you and is pleased that you (finally) recognized that things had gotten a little out of control, but he also believes that sometimes firm boundaries have to be set. SET them. The BSG thinks that the best thing that can happen to you for awhile is to be completely unencumbered by relationships so you can learn how this got so out of hand.
The BSG is also concerned for the karmic debt you’re incurring by keeping all these men on the leash. If this were a home improvement advice column, the BSG would have you give away all your tools and learn to live happily in your home as it is before you picked up a hammer again and started breaking things.
And there IS truth to that, a lot of truth. If you look at what many academics teach, it is laughable because it has not been forged in the fires of the real world.
But it IS a mistake to completely dismiss something that came from an academic out of hand. Sometimes good ideas do come from such professional thinkers, and it is up to us doers to test them in person and see if they have a place in the real world.
Like most ideas, they die when confronted with reality, then it’s time to move onto the next one. The issue with academics, of course, is their ideas are never confronted with reality so they come up with ideas based on untested ideas, leading to the whacked out teachings of some who have been sheltered from the world too long.
I make it a point to read a wide variety of material, some from street smart, battled hardened individuals (one of the best I’ve read lately is Delta Force Lt. Col. Pete Blaber’s, “The Men, The Mission, and Me) to kooky writers who do nothing but write for a living, reporting on what they observe, not what they experience.
When you read, the hardest thing to do is to keep yourself from constantly saying, “he’s right” or “he’s wrong,” as you read, usually based on your own prejudices. To truly learn, you have to set these aside and see if they work in the real world.
The great thing about attraction is, you get immediate feedback with the only downside being an ego bruise. If you read John Gray’s material (very difficult to read) then test it in the real world, you very quickly discover he’s clueless.
But, if you take some of the discoveries and observations from “A Billion Wicked Thoughts,” a book written by two data miners from MIT, you will get some good results, discovering that their observations do hold up in reality. That book is a perfect example of why you should open your mind to conclusions by academics, because it revealed some things about female behavior that are very applicable in the real world, things I never would have discovered had I stuck to purely experiential.
The successful man lives by “the principle of the slight edge,” meaning in everything he studies, he’s looking for something that will give him a tiny edge over everyone else. He know success comes from having lots of slight edges, not one huge edge and the only way to find those slight edges is by relentless study from multiple sources.
So, your reading/study list should skew more towards those who relay their experience, but don’t ever disregard the pure thinkers either. Sometimes you can change the world for good or bad with their ideas, and if you disregard them, you’ll never get them.
I’ve always been a huge fan of that movie, and I laugh just as hard today when I see it as I did when I first saw it.
One of the things that makes that movie so funny is the completely unexpected gag. For instance, there’s a scene where all the emergency vehicles are heading for the runaway and as you watch them come out, suddenly a Budweiser Beer truck appears in the line of vehicles.
It’s completely unexpected, and catches you off guard. I remember watching that movie with my Dad in the 80’s, and he almost fell off the couch laughing so hard.
Probably the funniest and utterly unpredictable scenes is this one, the famous “and Leon’s getting laaaaaarger!” scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzZ4i8aWs_s
There is absolutely no way to predict that scene. It is completely illogical, and has nothing to do with the story (or anything else for that matter). Yet it is hilarious, and the randomness of that scene makes it so.
Making women laugh is a vital aspect of attraction and if you are a man serious about attracting women, you should be serious about developing your sense of humor, not just one kind, but multiple kinds.
That’s one reason why truly funny movies like Airplane are worth watching, as well as truly unfunny movies (like anything put out by Ben Stiller). Airplane has stood the test of time, and makes new generations laugh decade after decade.
Now, the kind of humor in Airplane is difficult to pull off in a social setting, and can wear thin very quickly. If it was a two hour movie, it’d be funny for about 70 minutes, then that would be that.
However, on occasion, random gag humor can be hilarious. Not only that, when you get your sense of timing down, it can not only make people laugh, but make them laugh uproariously, like the “leon” scene.
Get a reputation as a truly funny guy, and opportunity will come your way. But be careful on your way to doing so. Being funny means paying close attention to the things you do and say that people do NOT laugh at so you won’t repeat them.
Nothing is worse than a guy who thinks he’s funny, but he’s not, and nothing is more attractive than a guy who is genuinely funny with a razor sharp sense of timing. No one is born this way, but it is a skill you can acquire, and a very, very attractive skill to women.
Hi Loveawake Team,
I am 16 girl from Christchurch and the guy from Auckland I like is 14. We went to prom together and my friend organized this beach day with a bunch of us, and he came as well. We had a great time at prom and I think he had a nice time at the beach.
So now, every time we text, I am the one who usually starts the conversation and start it off saying, “Hey, how’s it going?” I know it’s really original. But I was thinking, well if he is interested in me and wants to make the effort into making this into something more, then he will text me first, right? Well I know it sounds ridiculous and I’ve heard many times before that it is okay for the girl to make the first move and ask him to hang out. But I feel since I asked him to prom and to come along to the beach with my friends, maybe I should hold back and wait for him to ask me to hang out? And I know that sounds bad, but I asked my Tauranga female friends what I should do and they should that I should just wait and give him some time to figure out how he feels and stuff, because if he is interested then he will make the effort to do so. But that also scares me because how long should I wait for him to text me, or if I should even wait at all? I don’t know how he feels about me, but my friends think that he definitely likes me, and as much as I want to believe them I don’t want to get my hopes up too high.
So because we haven’t talked since the beach day which was like a week ago, and I don’t want to lose contact with him over the summer, do you guys think it would be okay for me to ask him if he wants to hang out, just the two of us? Maybe get together for the 4th of July if he doesn’t have any plans? I really like the guy and I hope he has the same feelings for me and I just wish it could turn into something more, but I also don’t want to overwhelm him or pressure him into anything, because he is younger. And also, if/when we do hang out, do you guys think it would be okay for me to ask him something like “where is this going? “Do you feel the same way as I feel about you?” Or is that pushing it too far?! Because I would really like to know, and I feel that we are both sending each other mixed messages and it’s a very confusing situation.
Thank you for reading this, I look forward to your advice!
Typically we like to see the guy be the one to initiate making plans or any sort of communication—text, phone, email—at least in the “getting to know” stage. We understand that in this day and age it’s not so clear cut, and that young Hamilton women like yourself, often are the ones to initiate, but if you really want to know how a guy feels, a pretty clear indicator is his willingness to take a risk and put his butt on the line by calling/texting and asking you out. It’s never easy to initiate communication or ask a girl out with the possibility of getting rejected, but that’s part of the deal. If a young man can’t handle the thought of getting rejected, he shouldn’t be in the game. (Young women have it hard too. As you know, they have to sit around and wait and wonder and question what’s going on. So there is inherent risk on both sides.)
Your specific case is a little trickier to read because you’re two years older than him, which means a lot at your age. Girls mature — physically and emotionally—faster than boys. So the two year difference, which in ten years won’t be a big deal, is a big deal right now. The bottom line: You’re much more mature than he is, even if he’s mature for his age.
Typically we’d say wait and see what he does. But if he’s swimming over his head, which he likely is, you might need to be the one to move things along. It seems you’re comfortable doing so, since you asked him to the prom, so we don’t see the harm in continuing. BUT…..only for a a short time. At some point soon, he needs to step up to the plate. A relationship at any age involves some effort by both parties. It involves thinking beyond yourself, and thinking and acting upon what the other person might need. Honestly, we doubt he’s ready for that at 14. (Jeez, even some 40 year-old guys aren’t ready for that sort of effort.) But if you really like him, try to boost him up a bit—without knocking yourself down—and see if he will step up to the plate on his own, gradually. If he doesn’t figure it out, you could talk to him, but honestly, if he can’t figure it out on his own, it’s not your job to teach him. You’re just going to end up being frustrated after a time. (And we’d wait on asking him where this is going. You still need to get him to text you first!)
Our advice: Before you do anything we’re suggesting, you should listen to your friends and take their advice. They sound pretty smart. Give your guy a little time. If he doesn’t step it up, then you have some choices to make about how you want to proceed. (Initiate…..help him figure things out…..or move on.)
We hope it works out. Have a great summer.
THE Loveawake Team
The deep mystery concerning eye contact with women - solved at last!
Eye Contact with Women
The deep mystery concerning eye contact with women – solved at last! And a few pointers on your pearly whites.
Uh, yeah. You should definitely look at your date while you’re out with her.
Seriously, does anyone really need an article to actually explain this?
You can find all sorts of “theories” about why you should maintain eye contact with women. Some of them are pretty good. I’ll skip those and cut straight to what our research and testing results shows (read: what actually gets results when we talk to real women on the street).
Maintaining eye contact when you’re with a woman who is into you can be powerful. Add in a subtle smile and you’re golden. Not a big giant grin. You want her to not really even know if you’re smiling.
Practice in a mirror.
The final verdict – Yes! Eye contact with women is good.
No, you shouldn’t get all creepy and stare at her the way a fat kid eyes a slice of deep-fried pizza.
And no, by eye contact we don’t mean you should reach across the table and try to touch her eyeballs.
Contacts are always better than glasses.
Lasik is better than contacts (although colored contacts test really well with lots of girls).
But if you can’t hold her gaze while having a relaxed conversation with her, making her laugh, a gentle and open smile on your face, then yup, you’re in for a tough time.
And speaking of smiles …
Get your teeth whitened.
Get your teeth fixed.
Get rid of your bad breath.
Get that food out from between your chompers.
Be sure to look at her and smile.
And yes, it really does help if you can remember her name. Especially after you marry her.
We’ve got a follow-up on a post from a while back entitled, “Was that Just His Grief Talking?” A reader named Heather is trying to figure out, once and for all, Is he IN or is he OUT? Let’s find out:
I just recently wrote about dating a man whose mother passed away from cancer…see, “was that just his grief talking”. I really appreciated what you wrote and can only say that I am writing again because he called me last night and I swear was speaking latin!! I say that because I have NO IDEA as to what he was trying to convey to me.
Oh man, it’s too bad he didn’t call me, as I actually took Latin in high school. Yeah, that’s right, I took Latin. What are you gonna do, beat me up and take my lunch money? Wait, really? Please don’t, I’m so hungry…
Ok, here goes. We broke up Feb 5th after things were crazy following the death of his mother. I emailed him once after that to say I was sorry for being harsh (which I was) and that I understood that the relationship was at the end. I got no response…fine…I’m really ok with that (like I have a choice). Anyway, during our last night together I left my necklace at his house.
Now…if Sigmund Freud were here, he might wonder if someone might “accidentally” leave something at someone’s house to, you know, have an excuse for more contact. I know, I know, no one has ever REALLY done that before. Just saying…
I emailed him and asked him to send it via mail. He said he would. A month later I still didn’t have the necklace so I sent him another email asking him to send it and giving him my address again. I got no response…fine…I’m really ok with that (like I have a choice)
That’s like the chorus of this song, is it? Me likey.
Still a week later no necklace. I then emailed him again and said I was sending a self addressed stamped envelope for him to send it back to me. He responded, said he’d gotten busy and wasn’t sure if he should send it regular mail or fed ex. I told him I’d take care of it. Well, last week I got the necklace in the
envelope I had provided. I texted him the next day and let him know I received it and said thanks he responded to that text. Seems innocent enough, huh???
Hunky dory, sure. But I…I’m sensing that it was not?
Okay, so last night I am sitting at home, minding my own business and enjoying one of my most guilty pleasures in life…Big Brother. The phone rings and it’s him. I haven’t actually spoken to him since the middle of January so you can imagine my surprise. He said he was sorry for the way things ended but that he felt I was pushing him and he just couldn’t take it (being in extreme grief over the very recent death of his mother).
Ok, very interesting. Calls up with an apology and an explanation for why things didn’t work out on his part. No reason to do that unless he’s a.) interested in getting back together or b.) uncomfortable with the idea that you might hate his guts. Both are common, let’s see if we can figure out which one we’re dealing with here.
I stated that I could understand he felt that way and that I was sorry for pushing him during a time when he was so unsteady. He went on to say that he likes me, that “you’re the classiest woman I have ever met…I was just talking to Nick (best friend) about you the other night”. He said he missed me at least four or five times and that he was attracted to me. Stated that he just didn’t know if he could fall in love with me. I was shocked that we were having this conversation since his ability to be in love with me was now
unimportant as we are broken up. He goes on to say that he wants to spend time with me but that he can’t have a relationship with me…
Ah. Ok, I neglected to consider option C, which is that he is looking for all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. Often, the phrase, “I want to spend time with you, but can’t have a relationship,” can manslate out to: “I want to have guilt-free sex with you, and later when you’re mad, I can tell you that I told you so.” This goes for any other “excuse-style” self disclosures that basically tell you, “Hey, don’t expect me to treat you very well.” (See: “I have ADD/Chronic Depression/Aspergers,” or, “Hey, I’m just a very passionate person,” etc.)
Not sure that’s what we’re talking about here. I don’t think it’s about the sex, exactly. We’ll see…
He stated that he was exhausted and that he had, “fought an unwinnable fight” (referring to his mother’s battle with cancer) and that before that the woman he loved had left him and it really hurt him. I told him that it was understandable and that now that I had some clarity (after having been away from him for two months) I was able to see that him having a relationship right now was not possible.
I ended the phone conversation (after almost an hour) and said it was nice talking with him.
Ok, that’s another possible clue here. An hour on the phone is an awful long time for someone just looking for some booty…
He said that maybe he could call me and we could go out for a drink…you know…as friends.
Heh. Oh, that phrase — “as friends.” That one always makes me laugh.
I told him that I didn’t see anything wrong with this but that he needed to know that I would be dating other men because I was ready for a relationship. He stammered around this a little bit but never really said anything…
Now I have no idea what that was…I also find it interesting that he called me after sending my necklace back. Was he holding onto it in hopes of keeping the door open? What was the call about. You will probably have to read the previous post to get some background info. but I sure would appreciate some help here.
Here’s the thing. This guy seems to have trouble understanding what’s going on within himself. So cut yourself a little slack for not being able to understand it either, you know? I think he might even like you. I think he really was calling because he missed you. But I don’t know that he’s able to give you a real relationship right now.
That, “I can’t have a relationship right now” stuff? I just don’t know. Sounds to me like this guy is still reeling from his mom’s death. He’s still messed up about that, of course, and he’s lonely, and YOU were who he saw last. You were nice to him, you guys seemed to have a good time. He wants to feel normal again. He wants some positive female attention. (Hey, who doesn’t?) But unless there’s more to the story, it seems like what he’s looking for is a bandaid, not a relationship. (Not literally. Bandaids are really cheap, and almost everybody knows where to buy one. Metaphor, people. Metaphor.)
Honestly, I think you said the right thing to him when you told him you were ready for a relationship and would be dating. He’s all confused. All cattywampus, if you will. (And I will.) But that doesn’t mean that you have to be. And it doesn’t mean that you have to deal with his confusion. You said it — you’re ready for something real. You’re going to be dating. You’re not interested in, “Well, I can’t give you all of me, but I still want you around,” right? Well, you told him that.
VERDICT: IF HE’S READY, HE’S GONNA HAVE TO SHOW A LITTLE MORE
Look, you don’t need me to tell you this, it seems, but you don’t want to get into a relationship with someone who says they don’t want a relationship. Because that is usually a pre-excuse for behaving however the hell you feel like. You don’t need that crap. And you told him so.
Hey, who knows? There might be a moment when he steps up to the plate (again, metaphor, folks) for real. But he certainly hasn’t yet. And until he does, it’s not your job to accept whatever half-nonsense he’s willing to dole out on his own terms, right?
Good luck, Heather. Sadly, this guy seems still a little emotionally stirred up right now. Sounds like he’s still got some stuff to figure out. Unlike me, of course. I’m as sane as can be…ugh…
What say you ladies? Why this call? What’s Heather’s next move here?
A reader named Tara is with a guy…except in front of his pals. Does this mean Booty Call? Well…maybe.
What does it mean when the guy you are with introduces you to his buddies as “my friend”? As is “this is my friend so and so”, nice to meet you… On top of that the guy only shows public displays of affection (i.e. hand holding/ kissing) when his buddies are not around. Is this a sign that you are in the “booty call” category?
Well, it seems to me that there is only one reason why someone would do this, with several variations. What’s the reason?
He wants to make sure that SOMEBODY doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Clearly. Now, the question is, who is that “somebody” in this case, and what’s the “wrong” idea? Could it be that he doesn’t want…
- …you to think you’re dating, or get used to that idea.
- …his buddies to know you’re together because he doesn’t like you that much.
- …his buddies to know that he DOES like you that much.
- …to overstep the bounds of your relationship by calling you “girlfriend” if he doesn’t know if YOU want to be called that.
Well, that or he has a medical issue where if he says the word ‘girlfriend’ he poops himself. There’s always that to consider.
PDA…BUT NOT IN FRONT OF THE BOYS
That’s an interesting clue, there. I mean, he clearly likes being affectionate with you. So why wouldn’t he want them to see that?Well it depends if he likes you or not.
If he likes you…sigh…guys have this thing about admitting how they feel in front of their pals and their families. It can be incredibly annoying, and we will often avoid it like the plague. You’re going to get crap for it, you know it, and so you don’t want to actually tell them anything until…well, until it’s unavoidable. Right around, “Do you take this woman…” if at all possible.
And if he DOESN’T really like you, well, you certainly don’t want to introduce your booty call to your pals and call her girlfriend, and then spend the next two weeks on the phone going, “Dude, no, I just CALLED her that.”
And again, there’s the possibility that he’s not sure how much YOU like HIM, and he doesn’t want to just make that call right there in front of his pals and have you say, “Girlfriend? What the hell are you talking about? I’m his FRIEND, everybody, ok?”
SO….IT COULD BE ANYTHING?
Yeah, I’m sorry, but we just don’t know enough. But here’s how to tell. Don’t go batshit crazy and yell about it. Won’t get you anywhere. Make a joke about it. Next time you’re alone with him after one of those introductions, make a joke about how, “So, er, ‘friend’ huh? You, uh, trying to tell me something there, or what?”
Now, am I saying that this conversation will go well? Who knows? But you’ll know where you stand. Until you know more about his motives, I’m afraid you’re just not going to know. The good news, Tara, is that you’re not going to drive him away like this. If this drives him away, he was already away. That’s how you’ll know that it WAS a booty call. Not the worst thing to know about for sure, you know?
Ever introduced as a friend, pal, or buddy? How did it play out?
There are some things better left unsaid. There are some things that aren’t worth finding out about. Here are 5 of them. (How’s THAT for a setup, huh? Huh?)
1.) I’ll give you a call.
Your first mistake is in thinking that these words refer to anything at all. This is not even really a sentence. Just noises that he’s making.
I know a lot of women get really upset about this. “So now I have to wait around for 2 weeks waiting to see if he’s going to call me?” No. You have to wait around for a couple of days. If he doesn’t call in a couple of days, he doesn’t like you. If he DOES call in 2 weeks, it will be at 3am for sex.
“Well, why did he tell me he was going to call in the first place?” Because nobody likes to end an evening with, “Ok, I’m never going to call. Take it easy.”
2.) What? No, of course I don’t find her attractive!
Yes he does. Of course he does. Moreover, he is probably currently thinking about having sex with her. I’m thinking about having sex with her right now, and I’m not even sure who (celebrity/friend of yours/waitress/random person crossing the street) you asked him about. He and I (and every other man on earth) are thinking about ALL of them.
It’s nothing personal. We don’t have control over it. We don’t mean anything by it. But yes, every time an even marginally attractive woman enters our consciousness for more than, say, a nanosecond — we have to run her through the mental sex simulator for a second. It’s the male brain’s way of saying “hello.” But we can’t tell you that. So I wouldn’t bother asking that question if I were you.
Doesn’t mean he’s trying to have sex with people other than you, by the way. It just means that he is currently alive. If you don’t want your man to even fantasize about other women, you’re dating the wrong gender.
3.) I’m a really bad boyfriend.
Holy cow, get out there immediately. This means he doesn’t want to have to admit something he already did, or is planning to do. So he tries to get you to accept the general premise that he’s a lousy boyfriend, and even ARGUE with him about it. That way, when you stick around and he gets arrested for necrophilia, he will be able to act indignant about your reaction. “Hey, I TOLD you I wasn’t a good boyfriend!”
Take him at his word, and dump his ass.
4.) I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
Just accept this answer for the truth and walk away. However, of course it’s not true. Of COURSE he’s looking for a relationship right now. Everybody is looking for a relationship right now. You know who isn’t looking for a relationship right now? Sociopaths. That’s who. Hannibal Lecter isn’t looking for a relationship.
Obviously, this one always means that he’s not looking for YOU, and he’s trying to avoid saying, “Yeah…I don’t really…like you…very much.” Do you really want to hear that?
5.) Yeah, that outfit looks great.
Look, I don’t know if that outfit is great. I have no idea. Neither, likely, does he. When you ask us about clothes, we never know what’s going on. It would be like asking your dog to help fill out your tax return. He will want to help, but for the life of him, he can’t quite figure out what to do about it.
Don’t get mad at him. Just accept that he’s trying (albeit failing) to help. Or at least to not get yelled at.
BUT WHY CAN’T HE JUST GIVE ME HIS OPINION ON MY OUTFIT?
Do you really want to hear him tell you, “My opinion is that I don’t give a crap about this or any other outfit. I can barely see clothes. Look at the way that I dress for christ’s sake.”
These are just a few of the many, many lies that we tell you people. Some of them are worth investigating. Stuff like, “No, uh, there are no dead bodies in the house, why do you ask?”
These ones, however, I say just let them slide on by. Unless you just really like shouting.
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A reader named Lisa just got dumped, but her ex-man was acting so sweet not so long ago. What gives? Is he lying to himself about his feelings? Mm…my answer to that question: Who cares?
Lemme ’splain, after the details:
I’ve been seeing this guy for about three years. I know without a doubt I feel love for him. I also know that I have deeper feelings for him than he does for me. I just know.
Ouch. Sorry, Lisa, that always just blows.
Yet, when we’re together, he’s attentive, affectionate and caring. Three weeks ago he ended the relationship. His reasons were that he feels he can’t be in a committed relationship and he doesn’t “feel” about me the
way I do about him.
You know, that may be the best breakup you can hope for, in a way. I mean, it’s not “best” like in the category of “strawberry frosted poptarts are the best kind” or something. But at least he’s not giving you hope that isn’t there, like, “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now,” and all of those gems.
What confuses me is a short period before the breakup, he seemed to be himself..affectionate, wanting to see me, etc. So is the golden rule going on in this situation where what he says is not actually what he feels?
If you’re talking about the Manslations Golden Rule, that’s not about words and feelings. That’s about words and ACTIONS. As in, you listen to what he does, not what he says. And what he did here was:
- show you affection, and then later:
- end your relationship
This is not necessarily a contradiction, unless they happened simultaneously, you know? (Which…I can’t even picture doing both of those at exactly the same time.) First he wanted to be with you, THEN he decided he did not.
The attraction and chemistry is still obviously there. He admitted it. Why would he stay seeing me for so long if he didn’t feel something strong for me? Would it have lasted 3 yrs?
You just said it yourself — there’s an attraction. There’s chemistry. That doesn’t mean that you guys have what he wants for his own personal forever-and-ever. But what you DID have was nice enough that he had a hard time admitting that he wanted more. Took him 3 years, is what it seems.
Is he lying to me and himself about how he really feels? By the way, he also said there is no one else. Naturally I asked if that was the real reason for the breakup.
Well, first of all, my condolences. It’s always crappy to break up, and sometimes there isn’t even a big “BANG” that causes it like that time when the universe started.
So what the eff went wrong? Nothing. Which is to say, it already WAS wrong.
THE TIPPING POINT
I’ve written about the relationship speed bumps before. Places where guys seem to take stock and seem to “suddenly” realize that they want out of a relationship. For those of you playing the home version of our game, such bumps have been spotted at 1 month, 3 months, a year, just under 4 years, and there are many more. It’s not about how much time. It’s about whenever the dude takes stock of his life and wonders, “Is this all there is?”
Truth is, it’s not really sudden. And it’s not just men. We all do this. We have moments when we look at what we’ve got and think, “So…this, huh? Is this what I really want, forever?” Sometimes there’s something obvious that triggers it, sometimes not.
The point, Lisa, is that you don’t want to bother asking your last question — Is he lying to you AND HIMSELF about how he really feels? Don’t go down that rabbit hole, Lisa. Don’t do it. That way madness lay. And the answer doesn’t matter anyway.
But why wouldn’t the answer to that question matter?
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T
(Pretty great answer, huh?)
Seriously, though, what if he WAS lying to both of you about his feelings? He wasn’t, but what would it matter? The man dumped you. He made a decision to let you go. If he can bring himself to do that, let him do it. Don’t get caught thinking, “Oh that poor thing — he doesn’t even realize he’s in love with me!”
He’s told you how he feels. He wants to feel like X, he feels like Y, and he’s decided he wants to keep looking for X. And he told you.
Seriously, take this information and run. It’s a gift. Honesty during a breakup is a gift.
And after all, why would he lie about this? If he was happy being in your relationship, he’d be, you know, happy.
IS THERE ANOTHER WOMAN?
Reasonable for you to ask him this. He said no. Was he telling the truth? Maybe yes, maybe no, but again, I swear it does not matter. Truly, it doesn’t. Whatever the reason, he’s been clear that his choice is to leave. And nobody leaves someone directly because they met someone else. Before you meet someone new, you’ve got to be dissatisfied with the someone OLD or you wouldn’t even see the new person. No way around it.
Let him go, take him at his word that, whatever else may be true, he does NOT feel what he wants to feel. Because if he DID feel what he wanted, he’d stay.
Good luck, Lisa. And again, I’m sorry this guy doesn’t want to stay. There will be guys who do, though.
What say ye? This guy lying to himself? To her? Hello?
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